Big Brother: Death of a Puppet Master
Want to watch assholes be assholes then award one a half-million bucks? Good news, you already are!
July 17, 2008
By Laura Gosselin
Bodog Nation Contributing Writer
OK, so let me start off by admitting that I am not an avid Big Brother fan. Now, before all you haters out there start waggling your finger, hear me out. The only Big Brother season I ever watched was the one with that awful excuse for a human "Evel" Dick Donato and his douchier daughter, Daniele. Watching these two arsewipes behave badly and then get rewarded for it with $500,000 was as satisfying as a root canal without Novocain.
Anyone else think this show has issues?Sadly, I have to be honest and say that Season 10 isn't much better. It's still a show that documents a bunch of unlikable people (see: Jessie) who sit around and talk shit about each other. The emperor has no clothes, people – doesn't anyone else realize that the he-said/she-said Big Brother plotline gets old, fast? Am I the only one who sits through this shit both bored out of my skull and ashamed for humanity?
Maybe if these people were mature or intelligent, we might have more of an interesting dynamic. But when the most heated argument is over one houseguest waking up another houseguest, I feel totally justified in my stance that, Jesus H. Christ, this show sucks.
Am I really watching this or did someone slip me a mickey?The fundamental problem with Big Brother is that it glorifies losers and posers and validates their inflated egos. And for some reason, people tune in to watch this unlikable bunch of human lab rats undertake challenges that producers could have only conceived while at an acid party hosted by Andy Dick.
For example, in pastel pajamas (and Renny in a swim cap), everyone retired to the backyard to find a giant bed filled with pillows where they had to rip open pillows and find and collect teddy bears matching their pajamas. And lest you think this sounds too dignified, they had to squirm through a big pool of honey to do it. Then, they were feathered.
The Housemates
With the contestants ranging in ages from 22-75 and a gay cowboy to boot, Bodog Nation reluctantly breaks it down for you, answering theoretical, hard-hitting questions like, "Who is the bigger douche?"
So, without further ado, here is your Big Brother check list:
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"Staunch" Obama supporter, check.
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Republican ex-military dude, check.
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Watery blond idiot, check, check.
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Gay guy who is an embarrassment to gay guys, check.
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Redneck, check.
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Slut, check.
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Muscled douchebag, check.
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Shirley MacLaine wannabe, check.
Looks like they're ready to play! Let's get on with it, shall we?
April: April's bio boasts that she proudly sports a tramp stamp, reads Cosmo and that her favorite activities include watching sports, grilling and having sex. With a bio like that, April's going places!
Bottom Line: Looking at the pictures in Cosmo isn't the same thing as reading Cosmo, April.
Jessie: With the head the size of a peanut and the body the size of a Mack truck, this "drug free" bodybuilder has a serious distaste for sleeves, which leads me to wonder at what point in his life he had this conversation:
"Dude, did I cut off my sleeves enough?"Some Guy: "Wow, nice shirt."
Jessie: "Thanks, braaa."
Some Guy: "You know what would make it way doper though?"
Jessie: "You mean, if I cut the sleeves off?"
Some Guy: "Dude."
Jessie: "Dude."
Bottom Line: Most likely to get evicted for cutting sleeves off housemates' shirts. Should get evicted based on his tragic head-to-shoulder width ratio.
Memphis: Who would have thought that a "mixologist" would be the only houseguest not to buy into Brian's Godfather bit?
Bottom Line: Memphis wears a "Memphis" tank top. Now that's wit.
Jerry: This guy is all about American pride and military honor and therefore, it's not surprising that his bio lists his favorite movie as the Ten Commandments. Jerry maintains that he doesn't want to disappoint the military; however, being a disappointment to the military wasn't an issue when he was on all fours covered in honey and feathers.
In summary, Jerry is working for peace, he's not into bickering, he hates terrorists and remember, he's not doing the evicting - the people are doing the evicting. This cute, harmless 75-year-old man suddenly becomes creepy when you go to his bio and you read, "He describes himself as liking to touch."
Bottom Line: Fun to have around until he breaks his hip and fills the hot tub with Epsom salts.
Brian: This guy fancies himself a puppet master. What Brian doesn't realize is that on this show, everyone talks about everyone all the time, so if you make multiple alliances, chances are you're going to get found out within the first 10 minutes of the game. This is exactly what happened to Brian when everyone immediately saw through his terrible Godfather act. "I may come to you sometime in the next few weeks and ask a favor..."
In a last ditch effort to save himself before the eviction, Brian tried the genius move of pitting the women against each other. Umm, hello, Brian? You in there? They're chicks on Big Brother. That will happen regardless, dumbass. Brian's other Machiavellian strategy? Put on a puppet show.
Bottom Line: Has about as much game as a bloated deer carcass on the side of the Long Island Expressway.
Renny: A strange customer to say the least, Renny was put up for eviction because she woke up Jessie and didn't apologize on time (or some shit like that).
In her speech before the eviction, Renny, dressed from head to toe in violet, argued that she should stay because she's tried to "monotone" herself over the past few days.
Bottom Line: The English language called to say "monotone" is not a verb. Oh and Cats called. They're no longer taking auditions.
Dan: He's just your regular, run-of-the-mill, Catholic school teacher with a reality TV dream.
Bottom Line: Jesus is totally rooting for April. Sorry, Dan.
Ollie: This guy is loyal as Pamela Anderson is wholesome.
Bottom Line: This "preacher's kid" is getting it on with April. After all, Ollie did say, "The Lord has blessed her." Well, the Lord and Dr. 90210.
So I know, I know. There are more people in the house. There's Angie, Steven, Keesha, Libra... but if I continue to write about these people, my IQ might take a nosedive. But you know who the biggest losers are? The weirdoes who watch these tools online between episodes, because that's just sad. Isn't there something more interesting to watch? Like cars going by? Toast toasting?
TOP PHOTO: All images are courtesy of CBS.
