Craptacular Summer Reality TV Shows

Forget about having fun in the sun. Summertime is all about slumping in front of the TV and watching hours upon hours of crappy reality shows

May 23, 2008

By Michelle da Silva
Bodog Nation Contributing Writer

You might remember a time, when you were very young, when summertime meant getting outside, frolicking in the sunshine, mowing the lawn and hanging out at barbeques. But now that you're older, summertime sucks. The city smells of stinking garbage, swarms of ticks are just waiting to inject you with Lyme disease and those bulging varicose veins don't really go with your swimsuit.

So what should you do with all of your free time indoors? Watch TV, especially reality TV! And with a slew of craptacular reality shows hitting the boob tube this summer, there's a reason to stay indoors every night of the week.

Living Lohan
(Premieres on May 26 on E!)

There's no stopping psycho mom Dina Lohan and her 14-going-on-34-year-old daughter, Ali. The Lohans are bringing you their very own reality TV show to "set the record straight."

"Viewers will go inside the Lohans' Long Island home for the first time to follow Dina as she works double duty as mom and manager to help Ali try to follow in her big sister [Lindsay's] famous footsteps," reads a press release for the show.

Dina wants to show America that she's a "normal mom," that she attends her kids' soccer games and carpools. Pffff! Is that before or after she does the six shots of tequila and applies her orange spray tan? And little Ali is no better. She's like Dina and Lindsay's little pet, reciting lines to David Letterman like, "We are like every other family in America" and, "My sister Lindsay is fine now."

Dina wants to showcase Ali's "talents." (Courtesy E!)

While Lindsay has said that she wants no part in the show and Dina's ex-husband, Michael, has publicly made a douche out of himself, he's still very supportive of what Living Lohan might do for little Ali. "This show could show Ali's ability and talents and spring forward to launch her career," Michael told US magazine. "Ali's got a lot of talent. She's a gorgeous girl and can sing. She's animated and full of life." And by "talents," Michael is referring to Ali's singing and acting "career," but can Ali work a stripper pole as well as her older sister? That remains to be seen.

If you're a fan of the spoiled brat antics of rich bitches on shows like The Simple Life and Keeping Up with the Kardashians, then Living Lohan is sure to pop your bottle of Cristal.

Celebrity Circus
(Premieres on June 11 on NBC)

Rather than being original, NBC has picked up an idea that has worked in other parts of the world. Celebrity Circus will follow six "celebrities" to circus school as they compete in various circus routines in a Dancing With the Stars sort of way. Sounds riveting.

Joey Fatone only hosts crappy shows. (Courtesy NBC)

And which D-list stars are trying to reboot their career by hopping on the reality show bandwagon? Actor Antonio Sabato Jr., singer Blu Cantrell, Brady Buncher Christopher Knight, Olympic swimmer Janet Evans, former Jackass star Jason "Wee Man" Acuna and model Rachel Hunter. Yep, sounds about right.

Hosted by former 'N Sync member and current Singing Bee host Joey Fatone, or, whom we at Bodog Nation like to call Joey "Fat One," Celebrity Circus promises week after week of tight rope walking, trapeze flying, fire juggling, human catapulting and gymnastics routines.

Professional clowns will help the celebrities hone their circus skills.

And the best part? The celebrities will be trained by "top experts" in the circus world. Hmmm... like professional clowns and Siamese twins? These "experts" will join the celebrities on TV to create a "rich multidimensional act," according to NBC.

So, if you like shitatious "celebrity"-ridden shows like the axed-after-one-episode Secret Talents of the Stars or the more-cheesy-than-your-Italian-grandma's-lasagna Dancing With the Stars, then put your clown shoes on and head under the big top.

I Survived a Japanese Game Show
(Premieres on June 24 on ABC)

Ever wonder what would happen if you were whisked away to Japan to compete in a crazy Japanese game show? Me too. And so do the bigwigs at ABC.

I Survived a Japanese Game Show will follow 10 Americans, most of whom have never set foot outside the U.S., as they are taken to Japan to compete in a hilarious game show for a prize of $250,000. Hosted by D-list American actor Tony Sano, who is fluent in Japanese, and SNL's Rome Kanda will lead contestants through a series of weird challenges guaranteed to produce amusing results.

Can you beat the "Chicken Butt Scramble"? (Courtesy ninjapoodles at Flickr.com)

A look at some of the names of the challenges and I have no doubt about that. I present to you: "Crazy Crane Finds Fluffy Bear," "Why Is This Food So Hard To Eat?" and my personal favorite, "Chicken Butt Scramble."

My only request is that they keep on par with the original Japanese game shows and insert inaccurate English translations spoken by Japanese actors as commentary during the show.

America's Top Dog/ Greatest American Dog
(Premieres on July 10 on CBS)

The folks over at CBS have been wracking their brains for months over what to call their new reality show. Either way, the show promises to be a "bitchin'" hour each week. (CBS didn't actually say that. I did.)

Dogs will show off their talents in CBS's competitive pooch show.

While the buzz on this show hasn't started yet, we know that it will force a number of pet owners and their dogs to live together in a house and compete against each other in different challenges for $250,000. The pooches will supposedly range from pageant dogs to those just trained at home.

Dogs? Are there no more beautiful people (and by beautiful, we at Bodog Nation mean "fine pieces of ass") to put on TV? We predict that this show will be solely reserved for extreme dog lovers and ugly people.

So with a schedule fully packed with nonstop craptacular reality TV, move your TV down to the basement, fill up your mini-fridge with beers and throw a few wieners on the barbeque, because this summer, you're going to be busy.

TOP PHOTO: Living Lohan is just one of the many crappy reality shows hitting TV this summer. (Courtesy of E!)