Good TV: Where Art Thou?

Unfortunately, Big Brother, Living Lohan and America's Got Talent are currently on TV

July 24, 2008

By Laura Gosselin
Bodog Nation Contributing Writer

So after last week's efforts wherein I tried to provide you good folks with a from-the-heart article based on the thesis that Big Brother is a big pile of shit, I was dubbed a "douchebag" in the Big Brother fan forums.

This assertion by a reader resulted in me doing some serious thinking and thus, I embarked on a vision quest in search of enlightenment as well as spiritual and life direction. And it was on a serene hilltop behind a taco stand, that I pondered my internal struggle: Am I a douchebag?

I can readily admit that I've been a douchebag before. Like the time I was in college and sent my resume around with the tracked changes visible. Potential employers must have especially liked the part where a fellow editor and friend had highlighted my 4.0 GPA and commented, "Nice lie, retard."

There was also that basketball tournament in high school. When I finally got possession of the ball, in what can only be described as a moment of pure panic, I threw it directly to an opposing teammate, allowing them to score the winning shot. My point is: I am well aware that I do have a reasonable amount of douchbaggery in me, but to see the words in print, to see the sentence, "This writer is a douchebag," below my article, well... I went through a mixed bag of emotions. It hurt at first, but then I felt a wave of awesomeness. Kind of like the way you feel when you get stung by a bee, and then watch it die. Pain followed by satisfaction.

So maybe I did call people who watch the live Big Brother feeds "losers" and wondered whether there was something more productive for them to watch, like say, cars going by or toast toasting - but did they need to call me a douchebag? The answer is yes. And after some philosophizing, I have concluded that I am OK with being a douchebag. Like Criss Angel and Carrot Top, fundamentally, it's who I am.  

Big Brother

So this week, I'm going in a new direction by writing little blurbs about the worst shows on TV in an effort to spread the hate, because really, everybody needs some.

This week on Big Brother, in a nutshell, Jessie put Steven up for elimination because he disrespected him for not going up to his room. Oookay. Jessie complained that people think that he's a meathead, but really, he's smart. Libra got into an all-out brawl with Jerry, (the slow, old guy) because apparently, she called him slow and old, while Steven threatened to put everyone's head in the toilet to get them not to evict him. Then they evicted him.

Living Lohan

A reality show is supposed to make its stars more likeable, right? Or is it like the saying, "Any publicity is good publicity?" I dunno, but I say we drown the insufferable little Ali Lohan brat in the nearest river. OK, so that was harsh - maybe not drown per se - but a little "scare" would be fun.

On the show, Ali tries to get her music career going with very little motivation and a whole lotta diva. In fact, in one episode, after hauling an entourage of people out to Las Vegas so she could start recording, the 14-year-old "stopped vibing" the songs and fired the producer.

Another reason to opt for taking her out to the river is that Ali, who might just be the whitest kid in America, sports a thick Long Island accent and as she puts it, "a hip-hop vibe."  

"I'm not vibing this sowwng."

America's Got Talent

After two grueling gong-show hours of what can only be described as NBC cashing in on our need to ridicule the mentally ill and/or disillusioned (hosted by Jerry Springer), I was in need of something numbing and tasty, like a tray of pot brownies sprinkled with vanilla Quaalude icing. (You can download the recipe from the Hoff's website.)  

Hula hooping via ass? Hark! A fellow douchebag!

The new season showcased contortionists in neon spandex, a tragic duo who called themselves 'Polka Today" and of course, Miss Pussykatt, whose talent was to wear sheet metal and shoot sparks out her ass. And in case you're wondering, indeed Miss Pussykatt thrilled the lecherous Hoff.

The unfortunate reality is that people watch this show - a show that gets by on the public ridicule of talentless rejects and is the epitome of hypocrisy, as said talent is judged by a homophobic, recovering alcoholic who eats cheeseburgers off the floor. The only redeeming quality of America's Got Talent is that although the show promotes the fulfillment of the American Dream (earning fame for doing nothing), some dreams are crushed deliciously, right before our very eyes.

In Conclusion

So I watch this crap just for you and what do I get in return? Forum hate. That's OK though, I'm over it... really, I am. My therapist says that I should be over it entirely as soon as the meds kick in. Clearly I can dish it out, so I should be able to take it, right? And now, if you'll forgive me, I'm going to take a scalding shower and sniff some glue.

Sincerely,
Douchebag

PHOTO: Big Brother image is courtesy of CBS. America's Got Talent image courtesy of NBC.