More Craptacular Summer Reality TV Shows

If you like psychics, banana peels, babies, grandmas and jingles, you're going to be spending a lot of time in front of the TV this summer

June 6, 2008

By Michelle da Silva
Bodog Nation Contributing Writer

You know that it's going to be a long, stinky summer on the boob tube when it's June and you already pine for the next season of American Idol. Yes, I'd rather watch more hours of Paula slurring her words and pausing at awkward parts of a sentence, more hours of cheesy Ford commercials and more hours of Randy pointing and saying, "Yo, check this out, dawg!" I'd rather Fox bring back American Idol 7.5 for the summer than to watch all the poo that has filled its weekly four-hour spot.

Just when you thought there was no more crap to be aired on TV, the bigwigs over at ABC, NBC and CBS have dug deep into their septic tanks and found more bad reality TV shows to make you watch this summer!

Psychic Kids: Children of the Paranormal
(Premieres June 15 on A&E)

To ease you into the black hole that is reality television, we start with a show that might not end up being too, too bad, but might make you crap your pants nevertheless. Well, if you get freaked out by ghosts... and children... and children who talk to ghosts. You get my point.

The only thing scarier than a psychic kid is Haley Joel Osment. (Courtesy of Barry Mendel Productions)

Psychic Kids will follow three kids, aged 10-17, with psychic or mediumistic ability as they try to understand and manage the "gift they have been given." Ooooh... ahhhhh! Spooky! A&E says that these kids don't "feel normal" because of the "burden of their powers," so they'll get to meet other freaks like themselves at a special three-day "psychic camp," where they'll get guidance and support from "professional" psychics.

I don't know about this one, but if the kids are as annoying as Haley Joel "I'm An Old Man Stuck in a 12-Year-Old's Body" Osment in The Sixth Sense, a la "I see dead people," then this show's going to be as crappy and spooky as your grandma's Depends.

Wipeout
(Premieres June 24 on ABC)

Wipeout is like one, long, never-ending banana peel joke. For those who love watching people nosedive, face-plant, trip and fall on their asses, ABC has come up with a show that will force contestants to do just that.

Some folks just can't get enough of banana peel jokes.

Each week, 24 contestants will have to navigate through "the world's largest obstacle course," designed to make people wipe out. The top four contestants who make it out of the obstacle course will move onto something called the "Wipe Out Zone," presumably an even tougher obstacle course. Then, one winner will take home $50,000 each week.

Seriously? $50,000 for something most drunken college kids do by 1 p.m. on a Friday? You know what would be a funnier show? If producers just hovered outside a busy college bar on any given night and handed $50,000 to the biggest douche.

The Baby Borrowers
(Premieres June 25 on NBC)

Has NBC never watched an episode of Maury Povich? Whenever some whiney 16-year-old hoochie mama walked on stage saying, "He loves me! I want a baby! I'm ready to be a mother," Maury would get up off his chair as the audience booed and say, "Chil', look in the mirror. You're just a baby yourself! Now put some clothes on!"

This guy's ready to saw off his own balls. (Courtesy of NBC)

Well, some bigwigs at NBC thought it’d be a great idea to set up five couples, aged 18-20, in Boise, Idaho, with a "borrowed" baby. The couples will be forced to "grow up overnight" when they are first handed a child between 6-11 months, then a toddler, then a preteen, then a teenager and finally a senior citizen, spending three days with each age group.

NBC thinks that this will provide both the teenagers and viewers a taste of adult life on fast-forward. We're more excited to see which teenaged guy will break up with his girl and get a vasectomy before the show's over.

Dance Machine
(Premieres June 27 on ABC)

Talent shows are good. But talent shows are even better when untalented people are on it. This, my friends, is the exact thought process that went on in the offices of ABC.

Will this grandma bust a move... or a hip?

This one hour shit parade will see six "real people," (yes, they actually wrote "real people," as opposed to those "fake people" called "dancers") square off on one-on-one dance offs. ABC gives you an example on their website: "See a 70-year-old grandmother face off against a 25-year-old gravedigger in a dance challenge to Michael Jackson's 'Thriller.'" Um, no thanks, I'm good.

The winner – whether it be the "granny" or the "gravedigger" – will be chosen by the studio audience and will walk away with $100,000 and the title of "Dance Machine!"

Jingles
(Premieres July 27 on CBS)

Mark Burnett is a pretty smart man. I mean, he did come up with a few good ideas like Survivor and The Apprentice and The Restaurant. But, his name is also associated with a few works of small-screen art that I'm sure he'd rather forget (ahem, Pirate Master, I'm lookin' at you). So, I can safely say that Jingles is either going to be awesome or it’s going to make you wish you lived in the breast pocket of a sweaty giant.

Mark Burnett's hoping that Jingles is the new Survivor. (AP Images)

Contestants on Jingles are going to have to be irritating. They will be asked to write and perform a new jingle each week for products ranging from toys, beauty products and sports teams.

While there's no word yet as to what the show's prize will be, contestants will have to impress a panel of judges, the studio audience and viewers to win cash and a job at a major ad agency.

So there you have it. Looks like you're going to be all booked up until at least the end of July. These crappy reality TV shows aren't going to last for long, so take a big whiff tonight and enjoy them while you can.

TOP PHOTO: Well, this looks like fun. The Baby Borrowers is just one of the many ridiculous reality TV shows airing this summer. (Courtesy of NBC)