More Summer Movie Blockbusters

If you need a break from the sun, we’ve got your ticket to some good and bad movies coming out this summer

July 10, 2008

By Michelle da Silva
Bodog Nation Contributing Writer

People who go to the movies in August usually go for one of three reasons:

1. Their apartment, house, car doesn't have air conditioning. And they're lonely.
2. They can't afford to go away on a holiday and are trying to fill up their time with "fun" things to do while their friends are away. And they're lonely.
3. They're burnt to a crisp after spending all of June and July in the sun and now vaguely resemble a side of pancetta. Oh yeah, and they're lonely.

The movie lords in Hollywood know this too. That's why they know that they can disguise a reasonably bad film by coating it with flashy graphics, adorning it with romantic lighting and filling it with hot, hot women. But no, movie lords, you can't fool me. I've been able to separate the bad from the good. So read on, lonely August moviegoers, for a preview of some of the summer's best (and worst) blockbusters.

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor
(Premieres on Aug. 1)

The Mummy franchise is like a second rate Indiana Jones, so I'm not too sure why they're still making them. But here we are at Mummy film No. 3, and it doesn't look to have gotten any better than the first two. Also note that the trailer for Tomb of the Dragon Emperor debuted on the Papa John's pizza website, and they're not even trying to lure us into theaters to watch this near two-hour piece of crap with a large pepperoni pizza.

Anyway, this stop on the Mummy saga lands in China, where a supposed greedy dragon emperor (Jet Li) conquered almost half the world 2,000 years ago and has risen from his tomb to do it again. The only person who can stop this dragon emperor is Brendan Fraser, naturally.

The movie is directed by action film regular Rob Cohen, whose resume includes such esteemed action films as Fast and the Furious, xXx and the disaster that was Stealth, so while the fight scenes and graphics might look cool and well-choreographed, don't expect too much from The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor in terms of riveting plot when it hits theaters Aug. 1.

Midnight Meat Train
(Premieres on Aug. 1)

Nothing will cool you down and get your hair rising like a gory horror movie, and Midnight Meat Train will probably do the trick.

Vinnie Jones as a psycho, subway-riding butcher will probably scare the bajeezus out of you. (Courtesy of Greenstreet Films)

Based on Clive Barker's terrifying short story, Midnight Meat Train follows a photographer who captures an insanely grotesque scene on a New York subway train. Vinnie Jones plays a sick butcher named Mahogany, who slashes train riders up "like cattle" using his various butcher knives and hooks. When the photographer (played by Bradley Cooper) captures this on film, he feels compelled to solve the mystery and stop the crimes.

Luckily, Midnight Meat Train was directed by acclaimed Japanese filmmaker Ryuhei Kitamura, and we all know how twisted and scary Japanese horror films are. So get ready to sit through Midnight Meat Train come Aug. 1, and I dare you to ride the subway after.

Pineapple Express
(Premieres on Aug. 8)

Judd Apatow knows what works: Seth Rogan, mishaps, weed and cops. It worked in Superbad and it'll work again in Pineapple Express.

Seth Rogan and James Franco team up as stoners in the Pineapple Express. (Courtesy of Apatow Productions)

In this hilarious-looking comedy, Rogan plays Dale Denton, a stoner, who is forced to run from the police with his dealer, played by James Franco, when he witnesses a cop commit murder. What follows is a raucous goose chase involving sex jokes, slapstick violence and more weed.

If you're looking for a sure-fire comedy that doesn't require a whole lot of work on your part while watching it, definitely check out Pineapple Express when it hits theaters on Aug. 8.

Vicky Cristina Barcelona
(Premieres on Aug. 15)

You might have to go take a cold shower after seeing this one, which isn't something that can usually be said about Woody Allen films. But in Vicky Cristina Barcelona, not only is the plotline steamy as hell, but it stars sultry actors Javier Bardem, Penelope Cruz, Scarlett Johansson and Rebecca Hall.

Cruz is just one of the many good reasons to catch Vicky Cristina Barcelona. (Courtesy of Mediapro)

Vicky Cristina Barcelona follows two young American women, Vicky (Hall) and Cristina (Johansson), on a summer vacation to Spain where they both become enamored with a painter, Jose Antonio (Bardem). From there, the two women get swept into Jose Antonio's tempestuous love triangle with somewhat psycho ex-girlfriend Maria Elena (Cruz).

Be ready for some Bardem on Cruz action, Bardem on Johansson action, Bardem on Hall action and even some Cruz on Johansson action in this steamy movie. To say the least, Vicky Cristina Barcelona will be muy caliente!

Tropic Thunder
(Premieres on Aug. 15)

Tropic Thunder is another highly anticipated summer blockbuster. Directed by and starring Ben Stiller, the movie is about a group of actors shooting a big-budget war film that get swept into a real war and are forced to become the soldiers they were portraying.

Stiller directs and stars in Tropic Thunder. (Courtesy of Dreamworks)

Stiller plays the stereotypical "action hero" actor, Jack Black basically plays himself as a fart jokes-loving comedic actor and Robert Downey Jr. plays an award-winning Australian actor who undergoes cosmetic surgery in order to portray a black man in the film. When the "actors" all act like big babies while shooting in the jungle, the film’s director decides to move production to a more remote location, sending the actors into "survival mode" as they try to survive a real war.

With even the trailer triggering laughs every few seconds, Tropic Thunder is sure to be a comedic hit. Also, look for a slough of cameos throughout the film by Nick Nolte, Tobey Maguire, Matthew McConaughey and Tom Cruise, to name a few.

The House Bunny
(Premieres on Aug. 22)

There's nothing like a ditsy, funny college flick filled with hot co-eds to get you all excited to return to school at the end of August. A little bit Clueless and a little bit Legally Blonde, the House Bunny stars Anna Faris, who might just play the best ditsy blond bombshell ever, as a 27-year-old Playboy bunny who has been kicked out of the Playboy Mansion for being too "old." So, naturally, the bunny wanders onto a college campus and is adopted by a sorority house in dire need of her peppy, bubblegum help.

Yes please. (Courtesy of Timebomb)

Also starring American Idol runner-up Katherine McPhee, Bruce Willis and Demi Moore's potato head spawn Rumer Willis, 40 Year Old Virgin's Kat Dennings and Superbad's Emma Stone, Faris teaches the group of sorority misfits on lessons on beauty, fashion and fitting in.

So put on your Abercrombie and Fitch and argyle socks and check out the House Bunny to close out your summer and get you hop-stepping into fall.

TOP PHOTO: Brendan Fraser stars in the third installment of the Mummy. (Courtesy of Alphaville Films)