The Bachelor Finale: Monkey Madness

“I know what's going on in the world and I'm intellectual. Is that how you say that word?" –Shayne Lamas

 May 13, 2008

By Laura Gosselin
Bodog Nation Contributing Writer

What began as a cattle call for 25 women looking for true love and 15 minutes of fame finally dwindled down to one wannabe actress who gave us long-winded, rehearsed voice-overs about how in love she is. Are we surprised? Not really.

No Trivial Pursuit for Matt

Shayne, the 22-year-old L.A. actress, who once admitted her top five priorities fall in this order: cars, shoes, handbags, sunglasses and watches—and who once asked Matt if there are palm trees in London - won the "brilliant" heart of bachelor Matt Grant. Wait. Stop the presses. People magazine has just broken the story that Shayne Lamas is not good at Trivial Pursuit.

Better stick to playing Twister.

People reports, "To keep their relationship under wraps, Grant and Lamas secretly met on various occasions at a house in Palm Springs, Calif., where they relaxed, playing board games and watching TV. 'Shayne is absolutely terrible at Trivial Pursuit,' Grant joked. 'I love her very much. I would die for this woman but she cannot play!'"

It's always the groundbreaking journalistic prowess of the People staff who break the killer stories. Washington Post, hang your head in shame.

You see, this is the trouble with Shayne. She's a sweet kid, good looking and probably has a heart of gold, but Matt ignored all the subtle warning signs: the borderline retarded questions, the spray tan, the melodrama. By ignoring these red flags, Matt inadvertently sentenced himself to a life with someone who is not his intellectual equal. Fine for a while but a life partner, probably not. Matt was troubled by their cerebral differences on various occasions, at one point, even point-blank asking Shayne whether she knew anything about politics, a question she dodged with a blanket statement that she is intellectual, and then added, "Is that how you say that word?"

However, Shayne was pretty good at charming the pants off Matt to make up for it with her wide-eyed misdirection and sweet baby talk. Men have a way of wanting to take care of women - and Shayne played that card perfectly.

In London, Shayne told Matt's family that yes, she is an actress (jazz hands) and that she's been in a soap opera (not surprising) and movies. Movies? My fingers can't type fast enough and lo and behold… Shayne Lamas had snagged the sought-after role of "Red Bikini Girl" in Endless Bummer.

Matt's mother Trish inquired about her acting, giving Shayne the chance to talk about how she wasn't good at first, but worked at it every day. And now, well, Endless Bummer probably speaks for itself. I heard Red Bikini Girl's performance was a jarring portrayal of a women filled with pathos and angst, while wearing a red bikini.

It's Not Diamond Cufflinks... Or an IPhone

In Barbados, Shayne told Matt she had a gift for him, which she said was the most amazing gift he'll ever receive from him in the history of their entire relationship. And, drumroll please: It was a framed picture of Shayne. Might as well stop looking forward to birthdays and Christmas, buddy—it's all downhill from here.

The Demise of Chelsea

In Barbados, Chelsea gave Matt the gift of a "California survival kit," which included surf wax, a "Chelsea brochure," and cereal because, she explained, they would be waking up every morning together. If she would have noticed the brief look on his face at that moment—a combination of pity and fear—she would have known instantly that she wasn't the one he was choosing.

Matt told cameras in an interview how incredible Chelsea was and, "I hope we can get through this together."

"Nice dress... but..."

Cut to the rose ceremony. Matt greeted Chelsea with a kiss (the kiss of death), told her he liked her dress and explained he never thought he would meet someone like her. He said they got "so close" and "shared some amazing times." Then it came, the dreaded, "But..."

"I've come here to find my lifelong partner, as I know you have as well," he told her.  "And when I think about that long and hard, I'm thinking I can't give you everything that you need. My only "buts" with you are the fact that it has taken us a long time. It's been a tough journey, and at times, I've felt so much for you. This doesn't take away from the fact that I found myself falling in love with you."

Chelsea took the news relatively well, but couldn't help herself from digging on Shayne as Matt walked her to the limo.

"I don't understand!" Chelsea blurted out to Matt about Shayne. "To me she was the falsest person here!"

"You know what? She isn't," Matt snapped back. "The individual that I know is fairly different from the individual you know."

So there you have it... oh yeah, Matt proposed to Shayne. It was romantic if you like scripted, melodramatic voiceovers delivered by a woman who hopes to star in Endless Bummer II.

Don't fear, the party isn't over, my little Bachelor fans. Next week, DeAnna Pappas, the girl who oozed confidence, overplayed the "tough girl" card then squirmed hard when Brad Womack dead-panned that he didn't love her, is back for more! Tune in for the season premiere of The Bachelorette on Monday, May 19 at 10:00 p.m. on ABC. Join me next week for a rundown of the fun and humiliation. Weeee!

PHOTOS: All images are courtesy of ABC.