The Bachelor: Hump Day

Chris Harrison’s voiceover (which we have grown to know and love) promises us “the most romantic episode of the Bachelor EVER!” and if romance is defined as Matt Grant fucking everyone, then be still my heart!

May 2, 2008

By Laura Gosselin
Bodog Nation Contributing Writer

For the rest of the world, Hump Day is Wednesday – that middle-of-the-week day that separates the beginning of the week from the end of the week. For bachelor Matt Grant however, Hump Day is the time in the show when he gets to literally take three chicks back to his "fantasy suite" and ravage them. True story. Thus, in this week's episode of The Bachelor, Matt Grant found himself in Barbados for a romantic, "intimate" weekend with his three beautiful babies.

Everyone else should just go home.

First, it was finally time to hit his personal fave, Shayne. For foreplay, they rode jet skis and jumped on a giant trampoline. Matt told the camera that his concerns about Shayne (i.e., overly dramatic, superficial, unintelligent) have dissipated (just in time for Hump Day). Shayne then asked Matt if they have palm trees in London. And Matt, who had a serious pickle in his pocket over Shayne's hotness, insisted that she already knew the answer to that question. Oh the lies we tell ourselves.

Still in denial, Matt said that he wanted to spend time with "Serious Shayne," (does she exist?) because he wanted to see less of her blonde act and more of the intelligent independent woman he had convinced himself she was.

The lesson here is this: Never underestimate the power of a man's animalistic attraction to a hot blonde. It's a deep, cavernous vortex of self-deceit and delusion. Because Matt was so intensely attracted to Shayne, he successfully convinced himself that the void between her ears was merely an act. No… Matt. Shayne was seriously inquiring as to whether London was a tropical place.

Let's just pretend for a moment that Matt's best case scenario is right on the money – and that Shayne has been pretending to be stupid. Having a healthy, sustainable relationship with a woman who feigns stupidity is still a bad idea because what kind of a fucked up nut job does that? The reality is, you gotta have some issues if you're going through life pretending to be a retard.   

At dinner, after a conversation about Shayne's blonde hair (a profound topic to Shayne), Matt finally put Shayne to the test by asking her about politics and this is what she said… seriously:

"Listen. As far as politics goes, you know I'm smart, Matt. You know I know what's going on in the world and I'm intellectual. Is that how you say that word?"

Matt dismissed the huge red flag that waved furiously behind Shayne and hastily dug from his pocket the infamous "fantasy suite card." He asked her to read it, which was almost as bad an idea as asking her about politics.

Am I slutty enough? Hmmm... I'll ponder this all philosophical-like.

Shayne sounded out the words, even saying "fargo" instead of "forgo," but we got the picture: Chris Harrison was pimping her out. Shayne pretended to have a thoughtful moment – weighing the pros and cons of screwing a guy who would screw two more girls the following nights. With mouth scrunched, hand on chin – for a moment, one could have confused Shayne for this guy.

Lucky for Matt, Shayne's slut-instincts kicked in and she accepted the "romantic" proposal. Next up, Matt was off to penetrate Amanda, who suddenly began prefacing every word with "like." It's almost too much for me to recap. In fact, it is—so here's what happened in a nutshell: They went zip-lining. They conquered their fears. Amanda said "like." They went back to the fantasy suite. Matt fondled Amanda's leg. Amanda murmured, "Like ooooh" and… scene.

The Hotness of Sea Turtle

On Chelsea's date, Matt had a hard time figuring out who was hotter – Chelsea, or the sea turtle he had suddenly become intimate with. Matt said that the turtle was closer to him physically than Chelsea and the question became… would the sea turtle be going to the fantasy suite? If so, Matt would need extra lube.

For Matt, their affair was based on lust. Sea Turtle wanted more.

Even though Chelsea and Matt had the most awkward date ever, Chelsea earned herself an invite for some steamy bachelor penetration by giving Matt the old "I'm afraid of getting hurt" bit. He bought it. Thus, Chelsea was in... Sea Turtle, out.

In the limo ride home, Sea Turtle complained that he felt violated. Matt had felt up his crusty shell and then kicked him to the curb. Sea Turtle wept a little, stared out the window at the passing trees and vowed to never love again.

Wham Bam Thank You Amanda

It must be rough dropping your drawers for a guy then getting dumped the next day (on television), and Amanda obviously felt dirty when she didn't get a rose. But hey - it's "brilliant" Matt Grant - that's how he rolls, baby.

"Like, seriously?"

Fresh from the stink of the fantasy suite, the three women lined up for Judgment Day (a.k.a. "Rose Ceremony.") At the Rose Ceremony, there were no shockers. The only one who seemed surprised was the rejected bachelorette herself, Amanda. If you'll take a look at the image to the left, you'll see the latest in Bachelor-inspired photography entitled, "Portrait of a Blindsided Bachelorette."

Matt walked Amanda over to a bench to explain but Amanda, a wordsmith of sorts, cut him off with the following carefully chosen sentiments: "Like, I'm shocked right now. I'm shocked, like..."

Then she called him a name that was bleeped out, but if Bodog's oddsmakers wanted to make an extra buck, they would bet on "douchebag."

Next week, your Bodog Nation writer will suffer through The Bachelor: The Women Tell All, wherein the previously eliminated bachelorettes will come face-to-face with Matt for the first time since filming. Tune in for next week's installment for more romance, catfights and as always, shattered whore dreams.

PHOTOS: All images are courtesy of ABC.