The Bachelor: Revisiting Hell

Here we are at The Bachelor: The Women Tell All where 25 women are contractually obligated to relive their reality TV humiliation via clips we've already seen and Chris Harrison's scripted digs. Sa-weet.

 May 9, 2008

By Laura Gosselin
Bodog Nation Contributing Writer

On this week's filler episode, The Bachelor: The Women Tell All, Chris Harrison brought his game early, calling out the finale as the most romantic finale ever. Really, Chris? Again?

The Women Tell All

Seriously, it should be called The Women Tell Nothing because that's what it is, a bunch of replay. However, there were a couple of new things: Stacey was back to confront her blackout demons and the bachelor himself Matt Grant showed off a brand spanking new David Beckham crew cut, so let's see what happened, shall we?

"OMG I was like soooo wasted!"

Have you ever known a giant idiot and wished for one second, they could see video footage of themselves being a giant idiot? This factor was the only thing that got me (and probably you) through this show. Watching the women watch themselves act like asses was like therapy. Moreover, the little box in the lower left corner capturing their reactions was magnificent cutting-edge technology. For the us at home, it was like popping a pimple, or scratching an itch: It just felt good.

The Stacey Horror Show

Therefore seeing Stacey forced to watch herself behave terribly on TV was good stuff. If you're out of The Bachelor loop, let me fill you in. As you know, there's nothing like waking up with a roaring hangover. Add to that… the hazy recollections of what happened slowly unfolding in your brain like an embarrassing picture book -- add to that the knowledge that all the terrible things you said and did were filmed for a reality TV show... and you have Stacey.

"I'll fuckin' kill 'em all and their whole families."

For her television debut, Stacey violently flirted with bachelor Matt, shoved her panties in his pocket and told the other women she was going to kill them and their families. In case you missed her one-episode stint, here's the horror show.

Stacey watched the video montage of her humiliation with her face buried in her hands. She argued that the woman they were watching wasn't really her. (Man, that body double was great at being a wasted whore!)

Stacey admitted that yes, she was embarrassed to watch the footage which included never-before-seen threats against the other ladies and their loved ones: "They're all whores. I'll fuckin' kill 'em all and their whole families."

She mumbled a half-ass apology if she offended anyone [with her death threats].

Much to the chagrin of the bachelorettes, Robin was also back, along with the finger-waggling, all-knowing Marshana – who unfortunately was too busy being overbearing to feel any ounce of shame during the montage of her "oh no you di'ent!" scenes. This is interesting because I've always wondered how a shitty person reacts when confronted with video footage of themselves being shitty. In Marshana's case, she didn't. Walk auuwwwf!

"Hey, being an awful person gets you everywhere!"

She then proclaimed that it's okay to go through life being who she was (see: a total dickhead) on the thesis that, "It's a mathematical improbability" that everyone in life is going to like you. However, recent studies have concluded the probability of Marshana being an asshole is relatively high.

Amanda was next up to rehash her part. We revisited the scene where Amanda was eliminated and then she called Matt a douchebag. OMG, it is the most romantic Bachelor ever! Sniff. Amanda told Chris the clips were hard to watch, because she felt like coming on this special would provide some answers, and instead she's even more confused. Like, darn!

"OMG it's me like totally calling the Bachelor a douchebag!"

"Like, did I like really call him a douchebag or like sorta call him a douchebag?"

Finally, the Bachelor himself arrived. Yes, Matt, his hair shorn to a quarter-inch buzz cut, then sat in Chris Harrison's hot seat.

Matt naturally told us he is engaged and has never been happier, particularly since he hasn't been allowed near his fiancee since the proposal, the key to a successful relationship with Shayne. Then he told Amanda that he is sorry she "got hurt." Not that he hurt her, but that she got hurt, like she accidentally slipped in the shower or something.

Anyway, are we done yet? Let's be done now. Stay tuned for next week's most romantic episode in the history of the world. Matt will propose—one woman’s whore dreams will come true and one woman's whore dreams will be shattered forever.

PHOTOS: All images are courtesy of ABC.