The Bachelor: Rugby Anyone?

“These girls are all so pathetic and sad. Therefore, I MUST watch them and mock them every week!" - Message Board Philosopher

April 4, 2008

By Laura Gosselin
Bodog Nation Contributing Writer

This week on The Bachelor, there was blood on the rugby field, but unfortunately, no one was killed. Also, the girls became progressively jealous, catty and insane, but that didn't stop our British bachelor from sucking face with all of them. "Oiy! Give us a snog!"

So, this week, the girls squealed when they opened the Date Box and withdrew the card that read, "It's time to get down and dirty. Please join me for a game of football - British style."

As soon as Matt ordered the girls to suit up in their smuttiest rugby gear, producers hosed down the muddy field for the extra girl-on-girl mud wrestling factor. Matt then marveled that most men pay "big money" for this. Awww, he's such a romantic.

To warm up, the girls picked their wedgies.

So the girls got into their Daisy Duke shorts and matching striped shirts to get down and dirty for a game of rugby. Now, one would think that the matching shirts would make for a confusing game, but there is evidence to suggest that this game was more about girl-on-girl mud wrestling rather than following any rugby rulebook.

The girls choose teams with Ashlee getting picked last, due in part to her fake eyelashes, Chelsea revealed. Cut to rugby-like antics! Ashlee ran around baring her midriff while Chelsea picked the wedgie from her tight, pink shorts. Robin proved to be a quick study, which Matt, of course, found extremely hot and the other girls found extremely annoying. Then, as in every Bachelor season... tragedy. Marshana down! Cue concerned-like music.

No, it can't be! Omigod, it's BLOOD!

As soon as she hit the ground, Marshana screamed about there being blood, because as you know, blood = drama. Hilariously, the girls continued to play unfazed as their bleeding teammate lay in a heap on the grass until they realized that Matt had taken himself out of the game to attend to her. The injured Marshana hammed it up for as long as one could possibly ham up a cut lip. Matt then ordered the other girls to give her a round of applause for her bravery.  

The Actress Gets Some Attention

Shayne, queen of melodrama and tantrums, was the recipient of the one-on-one date with Matt, and in preparation, she was sprayed down with orange paint - a ritual she curiously called "tanning." If you don't already know, Shayne, the one most wanting and least deserving of attention, is an actress (jazz hands).

Shayne proves it pays to be shitty.

When Matt arrived to pick her up for their date, Shayne dramatically descended the staircase in a black frilly dress, oversized sunglasses and big white boots. She then called him "daahrling" in a fake British accent. Feel free to hate her.

On their date, we learned a few more things about Shayne. We learned again that Shayne is an actress; we learned again that Shayne's dad is Lorenzo Lamas; Shayne also revealed that she is high maintenance and that her top priorities fall in this order: cars, shoes, handbags, sunglasses and watches.

"I think if you have all those five, it doesn't matter what you're wearing on your body," Shayne philosophized. Shayne should have stopped philosophizing.

But sadly, my little Bachelor fans, the worst-case scenario happened. When Shayne was relaying all the negative information about herself, our bachelor had a case of CBTS, otherwise known as "Charlie Brown's Teacher Syndrome." He could only hear "wha wha wa whhhaa wha wha..." Because, sigh, he was distracted by her hotness. Shayne could have been reciting one of Hitler's speeches, and the Bachelor still would have tried to get his snog on with her.

Thus, the spoiled drama queen that is Lorenzo Lamas' daughter became one of the frontrunners in the bachelorette whore posse. Disgusting, yes. Not that winning the false affections of a man she barely knows is a decent prize or anything, but it’s the fact that in her mind, she's winning, which sucks the most, because fundamentally, we want to see the whiny attention whore not get what she wants for once. And, you know what? If that happened, it might do her a bit of good.

Back at the Mansion...

Amanda was worried that she was coming off as boring, so she asked Matt if he liked music because that's the kind of question fun people ask. When he wearily responded that he liked George Michael, Amanda said that she liked "all sorts of different music." Amanda = this guy.

The "ass in face" move is smooth.

Chelsea told Matt that she thinks about him 24/7, and then they made out. Afterwards, Matt said, "You rock."

Whose dreams of marrying an English gentleman came to end? Matt told the girls he was in a "right pickle." Holly, Robin and Shayne already had roses, so the other recipients were Amanda, Ashlee, Kelly, Chelsea and Noelle. Then, Captain Obvious arrived to say, "Ladies, Matt, this is the final rose tonight." And the winner was? Marshana.

Next week's teasers promise a tea party where Robin annoys the hell out of everyone and then whines about being disliked. Amanda gets a one-on-one at an amusement park and Marshana and Holly battle it out in the oh-so-humiliating two-on-one. Who will be chosen? How sick are you of hearing how these girls "have feelings for" the bachelor? Dude, you just met the guy a week or two ago. Must we also be subjected to the constant whining that some girls are "here for the wrong reasons"? Isn't everyone there for the same reason? To bag a hot man (with money) while also being on TV?

Tune in for next week's installment for more romance, catfights and as always, shattered whore dreams.

PHOTOS: All images are courtesy of ABC.