The Bachelor: The Girls Up the Ante

"She wore far too much rouge last night and not quite enough clothes. That is always a sign of despair in a woman." - Oscar Wilde 

April 11, 2008

By Laura Gosselin
Bodog Nation Contributing Writer

This week on The Bachelor, everyone hated Robin, Ashlee (the singer/songwriter) showcased her mad singer/songwriter skillz, Kelly flashed her moneymakers, Marshana had a meltdown and Matt Grant, our British bachelor, sucked face with all of them. Jolly good snog, old boy!

Tennis and High Tea

The girls squealed when the Date Box arrived with a note that read: "Kelly, Chelsea, Shayne, Ashlee, Noelle and Robin - I'm looking for the perfect match. Love, Matt."

The girls would be going on a tennis date, complete with high tea.

"What's a high tea?" asked Shayne.

Sigh. Tea and bong loads, Shayne.

The girls arrived to play tennis, midriffs ablaze, with a plethora of attention grabbing stunts. Shayne immediately complained that her microscopic tennis skirt was way too big and rolled it down at the waist. Singer/songwriter Ashlee sang a song she wrote. Matt judged a handstand contest between Shayne and Chelsea in their tennis outfits. Matt then told us that Chelsea was looking so hot that he’d have to "sort it out." And by "it," he meant his raging British boner.

Tennis is a game of skill and outfits.

On a walk with Ashlee, Matt found out a few more things about the self-proclaimed singer/songwriter. First, she didn't recognize commonly used English idioms, like on the first night when Matt told her to "fire away," she was confused. Then, on their stroll, he commented on her handling of the show, telling her that she "takes it in stride," and again, she was baffled. He then translated his sentence into "Retardo."

At high tea, Robin was in charge of jamming the scones because, she explained, her parents had a tea maker. A real tea maker... instead of a coffee maker! OMG, she's like... so more British than these other girls, it's ca-wazy.

Most. Desperate. Conversation. Ever.

The next evening, Holly and Marshana prepared themselves for the two-on-one date. After Marshana threw the contents of the Date Box in a fit of rage, it was finally time to show Matt all her amazing qualities.

At dinner, Matt asked them both how they'd feel about moving to the U.K. because it's his life; they're just playas.

Matt: "Would you move to the U.K.?"

Marshana: "Nothing is holding me in New York. I can go anywhere you want me to go."

Holly: "I've always wanted to visit London."

Marshana: "I would do anything for love. I would run to hell and back. I would do anything for love. I'll never lie to you and that's a fact."

Bodog Nation: "Someone's been listening to Meatloaf."

Holly: "Ditto to what she said. Put me on an island and I could survive. If you were there."

After these tragically retarded answers, Matt told cameras that at this point, the girls were "neck and neck." He had to get each girl alone to see who was most willing to give up her life for him. First was Marshana, who gave him the ol' no guts, no glory bit. Thanks for clearing that up, Marshana. Next up, Matt joined Holly on the bed and after some dull banter, he asked her, "Do you have any challenging questions for me?"

Now... these are the ways Holly should have responded:

1. Please provide me with a unified theory of gravity.
2. Guess what's up me bum?
3. What's the square root of pi?
4. Would you like to massage my bunions?
5. How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck had 20 2x4s and a chisel?

But, no... instead, Holly opted for the "I can't think of any" route. She abruptly got the boot.

Back at the Mansion...

Back at the mansion, the women were shocked when the luggage guy came and hauled Holly's bags away - the ominous indicator someone had been eliminated. But never fear, girls, there was one more chance to impress the bachelor before the big ol’ rose ceremony... and no one took this challenge more seriously than Kelly.

Now, Kelly had flown under the radar slightly. She wasn't clawing for alone time with Matt like the other girls, but after a few cocktails, naturally, she would act slutty and either a) try to mount him or b) put her ass in his face. Both solid strategies.

During their alone time together, Matt commented on her body language: crossed arms in front of chest. She sighed, "You know what?" and opened her dress to reveal generous boobies. Thankfully, the hardworking ABC camera man zoomed in. Give that man a raise.

So sadly, and against all odds, the man rejected the woman who showed him the ta-tas. It's a crazy mixed up world, kids. Kelly, you didn't say much, but when you did, you said it with your boobies. Don't worry, you'll find a date.

The other rejected bachelorette was our 22-year-old singer/songwriter Ashlee who seemed inconsolable after her dismissal, though it didn't stop her from seizing the opportunity to try to whore herself out for a record deal.

The life of a singer/songwriter can be both difficult and tragic.

After her elimination, Ashlee told cameras, "I can't believe that I'm the one he's sending home." She then said how she wanted someone who will see her as more than just a singer/songwriter. Here's a tip, Ashlee: Stop singing/songwriting.

The only thing more excruciating than her singing was her songwriting:

"I feeeeear that I'll fall so haaaaaard/and you'll just break my heaaaaart/and he broke a little bit of it today."

Next week, Matt takes the gals snowboarding in Sun Valley where Chris Harrison's voiceover promises "the most shocking confrontation in Bachelor history!" This catfight will be brought to you by Marshana and Chelsea and will be sponsored by Midol.

Tune in for next week's installment for more romance, catfights and as always, shattered whore dreams.

TOP PHOTO: All images are courtesy of ABC.