The Bachelorette: DeAnna's Relentlessly Broken Heart

"I will still watch because I love watching people that suck make fools of themselves. Deanna is muy loco" – Message Board Philosopher

June 11, 2008

By Laura Gosselin
Bodog Nation Contributing Writer

On the latest episode of the Bachelorette, there was jealousy, hissy fits, racecar driving, broken hearts and a barbecue gone awry. The best part? There was also a threat of kicking Chris Harrison in the teeth. Finally!

Our resident hottie and bachelorette, DeAnna, whose heart breaks at least three times per episode, only succeeds in becoming more and more unlikable to us viewers at home. Let me count the ways:

She fake-smiles when a guy she's not interested in (see: Twilley) opens up to her. She's all crocodile tears at rose ceremonies. She's very obvious about her frontrunners (Graham, Jeremy and when the mood hits her, Jason), while the other guys sit on the sidelines to impotently fight for moments of her feigned attention. And, she is like the boy who cried wolf of broken hearts. Let's just say that if someone really breaks her heart, I'm not gonna buy it.

She also throws a serious temper tantrum when the guys don't fawn over her at a barbecue. When her crush, Graham, ignored her, DeAnna screamed at everyone, "I should be the happiest person in the world, and y'all are breaking my heart! You happy about that?"

And can we talk about the self-righteousness for a second? Man, this girl is out of control. She keeps angrily repeating that she knows how they feel, implying that therefore they should not feel that way. Because people, only DeAnna can understand what it's like to sit back and watch as the person you're fighting to marry whores around with a slew of hot reality show contestants.

She also became angry with creepy chef Robert when he suggested that she already had her final three picked out. The nerve! Just because she openly drools over Jeremy, Graham and Jason and fake-smiles her way through conversations with everyone else means nothing!

Reticent Graham Breaks DeAnna's Heart

Graham is the man; let's just get that out of the way. When DeAnna all but throws herself at him, saying, "Well, are you going to kiss me or aren't you?" Graham refuses on the grounds that he doesn't want to be sloppy seconds (or thirds) which is pretty badass and kinda makes DeAnna look like a giant whore, which is fun. DeAnna laid into Graham, saying that she was "dying" for him to kiss her (easy there, tiger), and that he's breaking her heart (eye roll) by not putting himself on the line. But seriously, she's aching for a piece of emotionally unavailable Graham and his aloofness only makes her want him more.

DeAnna is ready to get jerked around by Graham.

Meanwhile, nice guys like Fred and Richard get tossed aside. The Freds and Richards of the world don't have washboard abs and an emotionally detached attitude, but chances are they'll return phone calls and won't play petty dating games. However, if there's a lesson to be had here, it's that finding a guy who has depth of character and emotional maturity is optional for DeAnna. Just keep that stubble manicured. Keep doing those sit-ups. Oh, and play hard to get. Chicks like DeAnna love that. If DeAnna's not careful, she'll end up with what she wants: a pretty boy like Graham who will ultimately make her miserable.

Friendville: Population Jesse

After threatening to kick Chris Harrison in the teeth for forcing the men to write and perform a song for DeAnna (awesome), Jesse became a viewer favorite. However, it's obvious Jesse is only being kept around for his laid-back attitude and fun personality; his hotness factor makes him a long shot for DeAnna's affections.

Jesse made an ironic comment that Fred was "stuck in the friend zone." However, if Jesse had listened to DeAnna on their one-on-one date, he would have realized that he himself is king of the friend zone.

On their "romantic" date, she told Jesse she isn't typically attracted to guys like him, but that he's a lot of fun.

After she gave him the rose, DeAnna said, "I gave Jesse the rose because there's something so comfortable about him, something so easy, I don't feel pressured to try and have a relationship with him."

Jesse, meet Kiss of Death.

In Conclusion

So this week was two hours too long of DeAnna's escalating ego, Graham's emotional immaturity, Sean's incredible shrinking mullet, Robert's creepiness, Jeremy's competitiveness/anger issues, Fred's nice-guys-finish-last-ness and Twilley's inexplicable still-thereness. (Yes, Twilley is the resident cockroach.)

"Don't break my heart, ya'll!"

Next week, Chris Harrison promises a having a special "DeAnna Tells All" interview where she'll talk about dumping Richard last week, losing her shit at the barbecue and giving the double axe to open-shirted Robert and nice guy Fred.

In conclusion: DeAnna Pappas is serious, ya'll. She wants a husband, doesn't want to string anyone along (though Twilley’s still there) and she really, really needs to be the center of attention. She doesn't take shit; she might lose her shit, but she knows what you're going through. And don't forget, her heart is breaking.  

Sounds like a fun potential wife. Get in line, fellas.

PHOTOS: All images are courtesy of ABC.