The Bachelorette: Desperate to Score

This week on the Bachelorette, DeAnna decided Graham had fallen for her, Jeremy made enemies, Tommy Lasorda gave relationship advice and Twilley showcased his creepy side

May 28, 2008

By Laura Gosselin
Bodog Nation Contributing Writer

The twist this season is in the accommodations: Three guys will be living up in the mansion with DeAnna, and the first three so honored are the guys who won the first impression roses last week: Jeremy, Jesse and Richard.

A Wet T-Shirt Competition for Men

So let's just get this out there: There's something weird-slash-phony about this season of the Bachelorette. Is it that you don't know who to root for? Could it be that her suitors seem sappy – girly even – getting all emotional over the fight for DeAnna's wounded heart? Or, is it that genuine moments are few and far between? Perhaps the trouble lies with the bachelorette herself? Granted, it would be difficult for anyone to go on dates in front of a camera, but DeAnna's phony laugh and incessant blinking leaves viewers wondering what the men see in her – besides a rockin' bod and pretty face... Oh, OK.

It's also difficult to get past the giant double standard wherein the producers force the men to shower outside (sans shower curtain) for our viewing pleasure. On this week's episode, the men are told to do push-ups for DeAnna, and on next week's episode, the bachelors are asked to strip down to their briefs on the Ellen DeGeneres Show. Are men immune to degradation? If any of these things were done to the women on The Bachelor, let's just say, "Lawsuit!"

If I were a guy and DeAnna ordered me to get down on all fours and do push-ups, I'd tell her to get back in the kitchen where she belongs. Oh, and that the noodles in my lasagna had better be al dente, bitch. (I kid, I kid.)

Where's the Dunce Cap for Twilley?

DeAnna took selected dudes on a group date to L.A.'s "Magic Castle," a sort of magical club, if you will. Accompanying DeAnna on the first group date were Fred, Jason, Paul, Richard, Ryan, Sean and Twilley, a 33-year-old software programmer from Tulsa, Okla. DeAnna and Jason were put into a box by the resident magician, who made them disappear. YES! That's awesome! Roll credits. Oh, the show's not over?

This is Twilley not knowing when to stop.

After disappearing, DeAnna and Jason stepped out of the trap door from the box and found themselves in a backstage room, which prompted DeAnna to scriptedly exclaim, "Oooooooh! Where are we?" like she'd just stepped from the wardrobe into Narnia.

The conversation that ensued was a painful one. They talked about Jason's hometown of Seattle, and DeAnna had heard it rains there. Good, good. This is going well. DeAnna also told him that she could drink an entire bowl of salsa. Between riveting revelations that yes, it tends to rain in Seattle and DeAnna's salsa fetish, Jason left out the part in the conversation when he tells her about his 3-year-old kid. Whoops.  

Later on, as DeAnna and her men were gathered around, Twilley took the opportunity to recite a long-winded go-nowhere story. The story did nothing to impress like he'd intended and only served to annoy. While we're on the topic, let's talk about Twilley for a sec. He's kind of got this look about him, like he was one of those Ritalin kids in school. You know, the one who, if left unattended, would cut his bangs to mere spikes sticking from his forehead. Also, what kind of name is Twilley? It sounds like some sort of B-movie killer clown. But instead of balloon animals, Twilley murders you with go-nowhere stories and uncomfortable twitching.

When Twilley was finally done with his inane "tale," Ryan complained that Twilley might not be after DeAnna's heart but would rather just be a comedian. Oh. Twilley was funny? In conclusion, everyone on this show is retarded.

DeAnna Bugs

Christ. OK, on her one-on-one date with Graham, before awarding him a rose, DeAnna forced Graham to endure this lecture about how, at first, she was positive that he was going to get the rose at the end of the date, but then she started to fear that he just wanted to be in love and... blah, blah, blah. He should have pretended to be sleeping when she finally offered him the rose. "Zzzz. Wah? Meh?" Or cut her off halfway through her long-winded, self-important diatribe with, "Can you wrap it up? Are you giving me the fucking rose or not?" If only Graham had balls. He could have been a champ.

DeAnna then said to the cameras, "At the end of the night, I definitely felt like Graham was falling for me."

Yes, people, she bugs.

Take Me Out to the Ball Game

On the baseball group date, the group enjoyed a picnic in the park before Jeremy upped his game by telling DeAnna that both his parents were dead. Nice strategy, dude! It worked, too. Jeremy immediately got a rose while the other guys whined like a bunch of pussies. Remember folks, the "both my parents are dead" trick can be used in a variety of situations, not just on the Bachelorette. 

"So when is the right time to go for the tea bag, Mr. Lasorda?"

DeAnna also got relationship advice from legendary baseball guy Tommy Lasorda, naturally. Isn't that who you’d go to with your boy problems?

Next, our "Big Fat Greek" Eric received some alone time, and again, he mentioned the Greek thing. DeAnna voiced her concerns about Eric constantly pushing their Greek culture connection and wanted to see if he knew how to talk about anything else. Answer? Nope.

"I just had a great talk with DeAnna. I was able to talk about me being Greek," Eric raved. "I can definitely see a huge Greek wedding in DeAnna and I's future."

Eric was cut after this, and we at Bodog Nation can definitely see a big fat Greek wedding in the future as well... between Eric and a sheep perhaps?

Psycho Clown Stalks

After putting on his thinking cap, Twilley had come to the realization that his rant at the magic castle might not have been as cool as he'd previously thought. AND that perhaps, just perhaps, it might not have been a turn-on. Get out!

Therefore, as DeAnna arrived back at the mansion after her date with Graham, Twilley hid in the bushes waiting to ambush her. Perfectly normal, perfectly healthy. As Graham left, Twilley came out, catching DeAnna off guard, and asked for a moment of her time. She looked less than thrilled as he babbled and rambled about how he wants a relationship. Desperate much?

Eighth Grade Rears Its Ugly Head

In conclusion, everyone hated Jeremy because he got the pity rose, his parents are dead and because he interrupted Twilley – a guy who needs interrupting big-time. DeAnna booted Chris, Eric and our token virgin, Ryan. Eric took it well, feeling that he shouldn't have to fight so hard for someone's attention and affections, while Ryan, who was looking down the barrel of more virginity, was angry. He then offered one of the best lines in Bachelorette history: "I was voted friendliest person in eighth grade. She obviously thought differently."

What a tool. So that's it for this week. Tune in for next week when we rehash more man-on-man competition, more of DeAnna's narcissism and more... well, Twilley.

PHOTOS: All images are courtesy of ABC.