The Bachelorette Tells Nothing

This week on the Bachelorette, Twilley tries to keep his chunks on the inside

June 18, 2008

By Laura Gosselin
Bodog Nation Contributing Writer

This week, the Bachelorette was just rude, damn rude. And I'm not talking about DeAnna Pappas this time. I'm talking about the show and its wicked producers. Rather than being rewarded for dutifully tuning in every Monday to watch men act like pussies before being dumped, we viewers were penalized with an hour of preshow shit in the form of a "DeAnna Tells All" interview.

The "Tell All" didn't tell us much – save for a little inside information on that scary martial arts master dude, Sean, and how he is the epitome of the Patrick Bateman character from American Psycho. Yes, Sean takes us through a "day in the life" bit, which includes a home tanning bed, allusions to hair gel, a home sauna, lots of bench presses, a giant black Hummer and a too-close-for-comfort relationship with mummy.

The "Tell All" also reinforced how robotic and Bachelor-marketing-guru-like DeAnna is. DeAnna has had few "real" moments on this show. The first was when she told Jason about her mother's death and the second was an unattractive tantrum over lack of attention from the guys. Other than those moments, DeAnna is all feigned smiles and Bachelorette-speak. (e.g., she tells Chris that (breaking news) she's got six very different relationships with six very different guys; one dude is surprising her, another dude concerns her, etc.)

You see, the Bachelorette is all about science. Therefore, DeAnna uses keywords such as "connection," "this process" and "putting yourself out there." She also, if you haven't noticed, screams about her never-ending broken heart. During her "Tell All" interview, DeAnna speaks of that dark day that was the barbecue (insert clap of thunder), which she still describes - like almost everything - as having broken her heart. You see, to break most people's hearts, you need to cheat on them or disappoint them deeply. However, it's different for DeAnna. Just give her the cold shoulder at a barbecue and you can be guaranteed her heart will break.

The End of Twilley

Poor Twilley. No one really knows what he was doing there in the first place. My guess is that he was lining up for Beauty and the Geek but instead, got shuffled to the wrong show.

Never. Had. A. Chance.

After all the fluff and filler the "Tell All" offered, could this be the episode where poor Twilley is put out of his misery? Well... yes, but not before the poor wretch is ridiculed by enduring a helicopter ride when he had openly admitted to debilitating motion sickness. He then struggled to open the door, prompting bitchy DeAnna to roll her eyes at the camera in a way that could only say, "See? Boy can't even open a door!"

My guess is that Twilley has been unsuccessful in social situations before so he doesn't make an effort anymore. These feelings of inadequacy were perpetuated by DeAnna's refusal to even humor the idea of alone time with him. Twilley never got a date with her, just a humiliating helicopter ride that made him want to toss his cookies. Also, producers mocked him with the sticky door gag twice because for some reason, when you can't open a door, it doesn't matter what your IQ is, you're on the short bus. The same rule applies to having spinach in your teeth. You could be a genius, but after you eat that veggie pizza and smile, your IQ has suddenly, inexplicably plummeted.

When the group went on ATVs, DeAnna commented on how Twilley was off on his own the whole time. The point is, when you're in a position of power like DeAnna and you treat someone a certain way, they'll assume the role you project upon them. She ostracized Twilley by not giving him the same opportunity as the others. Therefore, he alienated himself. I think it's a thing. Scientists probably did a study and I'm pretty sure cheese and mice were involved. Point is, Twilley was denied cheese, so he hung out by himself until the fattest mouse came over and ate him. DeAnna = fat mouse.

So Long, Sean

For once, we had a slight hint of misdirection this week. Producers probably insisted DeAnna talk Sean up, even kiss him, so there would be an inkling of suspense come rose ceremony. My guess is DeAnna was never privy to the American Psycho-like footage that documented his pre-Bachelorette life, otherwise she probably wouldn't have gone out alone with him. Seriously, I hate to bring it up again, but producers might have a grade-A serial killer on their hands. I mean, the guy has his own tanning booth, lives by himself in a five bedroom house and sits in a sauna to lose water weight. The dude actually said, "I have to tan. The darker you are, the thinner you look" on camera. Also, by "darker" he might not have meant in a tanning way, but in a "more sinister" way.

Sean was sent back to the lonely, vacuous depths of his home sauna.

It was OK though – we viewers at home knew Sean's number was up when DeAnna forgot his name, telling cameras, "There's a romantic side to John."

Sooo there you have it folks, DeAnna was so sure of her final four suitors she didn't even allow them one last-ditch effort to convince her otherwise.

Next week, DeAnna will visit the hometowns of Graham, Jeremy, Aaron and Jason. This is the much-anticipated episode where DeAnna will meet Jason's son because Jason's of the school of thought that introducing your reality TV-found girlfriend to your confused, motherless 3-year-old is spiffy. 

Hot dayum, the previews for next week look promising for a Graham dump. Or is that misdirection? Are you invested in this season? Do you think DeAnna is a one-way ticket to Dramaville? Is Sean at home right now crying in his sauna? If he cries real hard, he'll lose double the water weight! Go Sean.  

PHOTOS: All images are courtesy of ABC.