The Bachelorette: Where Do They Find These People?

After being rejected on national television, DeAnna Pappas is back for her second shot at (cough) love

May 21, 2008

By Laura Gosselin
Bodog Nation Contributing Writer

If you don't know DeAnna Pappas, perhaps you'll remember when the world cried out in "hey, no fair" vain when Season 11's bachelor, Brad Womack, decided that none of the women ABC presented him on a silver platter turned his crank. The last on Brad's list of rejectees happened to be the confident, self-important Georgia beauty, DeAnna.

America Is Brad Womack's Psycho Ex-Girlfriend

After Brad told DeAnna that they both shared the same ideas on marriage, Brad confessed, "I just said goodbye to Jenni" and let DeAnna momentarily feel the joy of victory. But then, Brad loosened his tie and his smile morphed into a look of terror before he excused himself to walk in circles.

"I can't give you any promises that I can't keep," Brad told DeAnna, "I have to say goodbye."

The opening of this season's Bachelorette was like being inside the brain of a psycho ex-girlfriend. ABC replayed the hurt and pain of Brad, revisiting the rejection scene over and over as DeAnna stared into the waves, then later into a sunset, then later... driving down a winding road. DeAnna then offered up the most arrogant statement in the history of the world, announcing that Brad not only broke her heart, but her family's heart and America's heart.

Never since Syesha Mercado's proclamation on American Idol that she "just wanted to share her gift with the world" has a sentiment been so conceited. See... the thing DeAnna doesn't understand is that Access Hollywood, the E! Channel and the Ellen DeGeneres Show aren't accurate portrayals of America. Was America's heart broken? If we're referring to "Bachelor fans" as "America," then... OK.

Cut to: DeAnna gets her revenge. ABC's newest Bachelorette is ready to break some hearts...

"The tables have turned!" DeAnna proclaimed to Chris Harrison before she met the 25 men. So enough dwelling on the past, let's move the fuck on, shall we?

The War For the Roses

It is both disconcerting and creepy when a guy either wolf whistles or plays an unsolicited game of grab-ass. However, there is seriously nothing scarier than when men are all equally sexually excited... in a group. Strippers must have it rough.

Jerry Springer's "Where do they find these people" sentiments couldn't have been truer for this premiere episode. These dudes had some issues.

Spero was surprised when he was rejected.

DeAnna was introduced to the 25 men - including a science teacher, a math teacher, an actor named "Spero," an investment banker, a pro basketball player, a chef, a martial arts master with a mullet, a Canadian, a guy in a funny jacket, an oyster farmer and as always, a token virgin.

As they climbed out of their respective limos, the suitors awkwardly twirled DeAnna and one guy (we'll name him "Captain Awesome") even leered at her chest. They all made groan-worthy small talk, some hugged her, some twirled her and some even twirled themselves (and will be ridiculed for it by their male friends when they return to real life). For her part, Pappas began her quest for revenge by making ludicrous demands like, "Tell me something funny" or, "Say something I wanna hear."

Sadly, Mr. Potato Head was cut.

Cut to the mansion party antics. If you thought the women were nuts vying for Matt Grant's roses when they chewed through cans and stuffed their underwear in his pocket, for their part, the men were just as desperate. These guys showed off their duck calls, their abs - the Canadian introduced her to his shrinkage after jumping in a freezing pool - all in a violent fight for the three impression roses.

DeAnna awarded the three first impression roses to a lawyer named Jeremy, a science teacher named Richard and a pro snowboarder in a hideous jacket named Jesse. However, Bodog Nation is calling the winner now - a pro basketball player named Graham.

Donato's quest for love was whacked. Badda bing badda boom.

Yes, amongst the sea of crazy dudes, ABC planted a select few gems. Graham explained that he wore rubber bands around his wrists to remind him that he needs to reach for the stars. Now this admission would be a turnoff to us cynical types, but... color DeAnna impressed.  

So there you have it. Obviously Episode 1 ruled, and your Bodog Nation writer will be watching then rehashing every painfully embarrassing scene as DeAnna embarks again on her quest for true love (because it turned out so well the first time). Tune in for next week's installment, when the men get catty.

PHOTOS: All images are courtesy of ABC.