The Perks of Being the Bachelor

This week on The Bachelor, Matt Grant helped himself to what was rightfully his

April 18, 2008

By Laura Gosselin
Bodog Nation Contributing Writer

Welcome back my little Bachelor-hungry babies. This week, Matt Grant treated his bachelorettes to a groping as well as a fabulous trip to Idaho! The girls went ballistic because, you know, London, Paris, Rome, Idaho. The only other time they would ever have the opportunity to visit a place so exotic would be if they married a truck driver or got into the booming potato picking industry.

As if the ante wasn't upped enough last week, forcing Kelly to showcase her boobies, this week, the final contestants standing would get to take Matt home for some awkward hometown action, because nothing is more fun than bringing your reality TV boyfriend home to meet the folks. It always ends well.

Once at their dream destination of Sun Valley, Matt gave Idaho the shout-out it deserved, saying that he usually skis in France, but the slopes in Idaho have topped it. (This lie sponsored by Idaho Chamber of Commerce.)

Robin Goes to the Dark Side

When the date box arrived, Noelle finally got her one-on-one date with Matt, while Robin stared ahead looking slightly like this.

Robin before the crazy leaked.

Robin's spiral into crazy was fun to watch and will be missed – yes, spoiler alert: She was eliminated. She started off like a normal chick - cute, down to earth - but as she saw Matt's attraction to the other women unfold, Robin revealed the slow burn of instability. Her levels of crazy slowly oozed out during her insane tea spiel and her insistence that she shared something with Matt deeper than the other girls on the premise that she'd been to London.

Cut to the Sun Valley ski slopes, where Robin stood at the top of the mountain on a snowboard looking down at Matt and Shayne who were making out; it was like the setup to a horror movie. Hitchcockian music played as Robin headed down the slope toward Matt and Shayne's happy, face sucking time. She pulled up on her snowboard, stared down at them and drawled out the creepiest "hellloooo" ever. Kind of like the Jerry Seinfeld's girlfriend's belly but not funny, scary.

After Shayne ran away (looking very afraid), Robin then confronted Matt about why she didn't get the one-on-one date. We then discovered how Matt rolls.

He told her that he was "aware" that she hadn't had a one-on-one and offered some bullshit line about how he knew they had a connection, and therefore he didn't feel the need to hang with her alone so much. He then blamed her for not getting that. Perhaps Matt will be one of those sneaky husbands who make their wives feel crazy when they're cheating. That would be rad.

And it worked. After their discussion, Robin was all smiles as she told cameras that Matt told her exactly what she wanted to hear. Uhhh, newsflash Robin – that's how guys get laid.

And Now For…

The Most Shocking Confrontation in Bachelor History! After numerous teasers and repeated clips of Marshana's finger waggling, yes, the moment finally arrived.

How did The Most Shocking Confrontation in Bachelor History begin, you say? The exchange was everything you could ever want in a reality TV argument: retarded proclamations countered by retarded reasoning. Here's a play-by-play in bullet points, enjoy:

• Marshana said that she's seen how Matt lives and she wanted him to see how she lives.
• Robin, who had been to London, was miffed because Marshana had never been to London.
• Marshana clarified that she knew how he lived because she'd seen him swim and play rugby.
• Robin countered that what Marshana has seen was not his everyday life.
• Marshana extended her index finger and waggled it while telling Robin not to be condescending because she "will not have it."
• Chelsea commented on Marshana's negative attitude.
• Marshana waggled her finger at Chelsea while saying, "I will not have it! I will not have it! I will not have it! I will not have it!"
• Chelsea, obviously not getting a word in edgewise, got up to leave.
• Marshana waggled her finger while saying, "Walk off! Walk off! Walk off!"
• Chelsea walked off.
• Marshana followed Chelsea repeating, "Walk off! Walk off. Walk off!"
• Chelsea continued to walk off.

Cut to Marshana who told us: "The girls calling me a negative person is a shock to me. I am a great person. I am nice and friendly, I am loving, I am... so giving, I'm so thoughtful, I'm charitable, and I'm a great person. And no one can convince me otherwise."

Shayne's Not So Bad?

OK, so I'm going to say it out loud: Shayne's not that bad. I might even... dare I say it... like her for reasons that can only be due to some intergalactic phenomenon I will never understand. Sure, she's spoiled, whiny, self-absorbed and materialistic, but she also knows she's a shitty person and that is part of her backwards charm. I still don't get it. How can a shitty person be likable? Oh yeah.

Bon Soir

So it was quite the nail biter of a rose ceremony because Matt had two crazy bitches on his hands. On one hand, there was Marshana, queen of the "oh no she di'ents!" Then there was Robin, who may or may not have been a psycho killer. It was one of those "only time will tell" scenarios. For me though, "Psycho Killer" was the odds-on favorite.  

At the rose ceremony, the final four were awarded roses: Shayne, Noelle, Chelsea and Amanda. Jolly good picks, old boy!

Shivers.

Both Marshana and Robin - of equal yet very different variances of crazy - were stunned. Robin walked up to Matt with her head down; she rolled her eyes up at him like this, said, "Bon soir," and dramatically stormed away.

For her part, after her elimination, Marshana told cameras that she did everything she could possibly do to earn Matt's love, including getting in a pool.

If you see this in a pool, get out.

Swimming: "taking a dip" to some, "serious commitment" to Marshana.

Next week... Matt meets the parents. Yes, we'll finally get to see how the Renegade himself feels about his daughter's new beau. Matt will also go to Colorado with Chelsea, then head to a mystery state with Noelle and finally, head off to crazy-ass Florida with Amanda, where, naturally, her father will ask about his daughter's sex life at the dinner table. Oh Florida, you slay me.

Tune in for next week's installment for more romance, catfights and as always, shattered whore dreams.

PHOTOS: All images are courtesy of ABC.