Wombat's Fight Forecast for UFC 80: Rapid Fire

“People aren’t paying money to watch me and Joe Stevenson fight five rounds and jab each other to death. No one wants to see that. Somebody wants to see somebody go down and that’s what this is going to be on Jan. 19.” - B.J. Penn

Jan. 16, 2008

By Jeff "Wombat" Meszaros
Bodog Nation Contributing Writer

There’s a guy who works at a parking lot on the corner. His vest says “supervisor” on it. But someone has stuck a badge above “supervisor” that says “acting,” so everyone knows that this guy is just the “acting supervisor” of the parking lot. I guess it’s so he can’t abuse the power of the title and verbally abuse other parking lot employees while the real supervisor sits in someone’s car, smokes and reads a porno magazine.

Anyway, every time I see this “acting supervisor” guy, it reminds me of all of the “interim” titles in the UFC. Georges St. Pierre just got one for beating some humility into Matt Hughes, and Sasquatch-creature Tim Sylvia will be fighting Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira for another one in February at UFC 81: Big vs. Good.

Originally, B.J. Penn and Joe Stevenson were scheduled to fight for an interim lightweight title in England, but now, thanks to bungled drug tests by the California State Athletic Commission, Sean Sherk has been stripped of the belt and it’s a fight for the “real” title. However, whoever wins will just have the belt in the “interim” ‘til they face Sherk, and he beats their internal organs into dog food. Dana White might as well wrap the lightweight title around their waist while wearing an executioner’s hood.

Sure, it isn’t stuck onto the belt with Velcro, but the point is the same. Whether you’re a UFC champ or a parking lot flunky, words like “interim” and “acting” are a kick in the balls. If you don’t believe me, go tell your woman that she’s your “interim girlfriend” or “acting wife” and see what happens. I suggest you wear a cup.

B.J. Penn vs. Joe Stevenson

I don’t know a single person who thinks Stevenson is going to win this fight, and I can’t say I blame them. Penn’s boxing is better, his takedown defense is insane and his jiu-jitsu is world class. He’s flexible like one of those people who are born with no arms so they have to learn how to comb their hair and peel bananas with their feet. Plus, he’s got as much twitchy energy as a kid with severe attention deficit disorder and a caffeine addiction.

Gonzaga is the favorite to win at UFC 80. (MMAweekly.com)

Of course, the problem with people like Penn is that a lot of the time, they tend to go crazy in the same way as super-talented child stars who go rob pharmacies later in life. After Penn beat Hughes to win the welterweight title, he started furiously slapping himself. Tell me you didn’t think that was strange.

It’s entirely possible that during this fight Penn might suffer a total mental collapse like he did in his first match with Jens Pulver. It’s also possible that he might separate his own ribs again, as he did in his second fight with Hughes. But if his mind and body hold up to the pressure, Penn will go through Stevenson like a pineapple shot out of a cannon. My Guess: Penn by submission.

Gabriel Gonzaga vs. Fabricio Werdum

The fight between Werdum and Andrei Arlovski was one of the most god-awful things I had ever seen in my life, and I once saw two circus clowns in a bloodthirsty brawl. Werdum must have trained with the cast of Blades of Glory because he spent all three rounds looping backwards around the octagon like a figure skater, occasionally landing pimp-slaps to the side of Arlovski’s head as the “Beard from Belarus” charged forward.

After watching him sissy-fight for 15 minutes, it’s hard to believe that Werdum has a win over Gonzaga, the man who left Mirko “Cro Cop” Filipovic lying in a twisted heap as if he'd just fallen off a train. Their first match was three years ago, though, and it was in Brazil where everyone sweats profusely and bikini briefs are considered casual business attire. It’s hard to get a hold of your opponent when you’re both slippery like seals and sand is getting kicked everywhere. Since then, Gonzaga has been training in muay thai kickboxing with gorillas, while Werdum, judging from his fight with Arlovski, has been picking up street-fighting tips from hookers. My Guess: Gonzaga by TKO.

Jess Liaudin vs. Marcus Davis

Davis gets better and bigger every fight. (AP Images)

Every time Davis steps into the octagon, he’s about 20 percent more muscular. Now he’s starting to look like a He-Man action figure. For his ring entrance, he should come into the octagon riding a huge green tiger, wearing only fur pants and a metal wife beater. Liaudin has looked good in the UFC, but by the power of Grayskull, Davis has the power. My Guess: Davis by TKO.

Per Eklund vs. Sam Stout

If I were Stout, I would go everywhere with a pear in my pocket to remind me of the coming battle. If people asked me, “Hey, what’s that in your pocket?” I would take the pear out and show it to them and then eat it without blinking while staring deep, deep into their eyes. Then after a long pause and much heavy breathing, I would say, “You see what I do to pears?” Then I would storm off screaming. My Guess: Eklund by decision.

Antoni Hardonk vs. Colin Robinson

Robinson looks like the kind of guy that puts in an 18-hour shift at the mine every day and then stays up all night drinking whisky. He's the type who crushes his hand in some huge mechanical device and doesn’t notice for two months. That might be great for winning drunken pub fights, but Hardonk has world-class kickboxing and will likely shatter Robinson’s femur with a leg kick. My Guess: Hardonk by TKO.

Wilson Gouveia vs. Jason Lambert

Before they got into fighting, Lambert was a police firearms instructor and Gouveia was a valet at a golf course. For me, that summarizes the fight nicely. Getting nailed in the spine with a nine-iron might hurt like a bastard, but having your kneecaps shot off by a dude with an AR-15 makes a golf club seem like a gentle massage instrument. My Guess: Lambert by TKO.

Jorge Rivera vs. Kendall Grove

In his last fight, Rivera got knocked out in 14 seconds by Terry Martin, who ran up and punched him in the jaw like he was leaning out of the window of a passing car, then jogged back to his corner without once breaking pace. Now Rivera is facing an opponent who is 10 years younger and five inches taller.

Kendall Grove will have a reach advantage. (MMAweekly.com)

Grove’s long arms make it easy for him to gather hard-to-reach coconuts from high branches and give him a massive reach advantage here. Unfortunately, if Grove tries to trade punches with Rivera, he’ll get KO’d, just as he did against Patrick Cote. My Guess: Grove by submission.

James Lee vs. Alessio Sakara

Sakara is one of those fighters who wins the fights you expect him to lose and loses the fights you expect him to win. For this very reason, a guy I know calls him “Suckara.” Lee runs a talent agency for strippers and owns a guillotine choke win over Travis Wiuff. For me the gods of awesome are leaning heavily in one direction. My Guess: Lee by submission.

Paul Kelly vs. Paul Taylor

I love matches where both fighters have the same first name, because the play-by-play guys can never keep them straight. I still remember the match where Joe Doerksen fought Joe Riggs and Joe Rogan kept mixing up Doerksen, Riggs and himself. My Guess: Taylor by TKO.

TOP PHOTO: B.J. Penn and Joe Stevenson will fight for the UFC lightweight belt, but Sean Sherk is waiting to get it back. (MMAweekly.com Photos)