Wombat's Fight Forecast for UFC 81: Breaking Point

"It's an interesting matchup. Lesnar is a great wrestler, a good athlete, and this is definitely gonna be a big test for him... This guy's not trying to duck anybody. He knew once he got in the UFC that he was gonna fight tough guys." - Dana White on Brock Lesnar's matchup with Frank Mir

Jan. 30, 2008

By Jeff "Wombat" Meszaros
Bodog Nation Contributing Writer

The dispute between the UFC and Randy Couture has reached a new low. The initial shit-tossing contest is over, and now that everyone is covered in excrement, they're taking it to court like two rabid hillbillies fighting over a lawn mower on Judge Joe Brown. Everyone knows that Couture wants out of his UFC contract, but what does the UFC want? They aren't going to woo him back into the octagon by suing him. Instead, they're trying to keep him from the competition like a maniac housewife fighting desperately to castrate her estranged husband with a kitchen knife – not because she wants him back, but simply because she can't bear the idea of him being with another woman. As part of this despicable ugliness, the fight between Tim Sylvia and Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira must be for the "interim" title. Because if it were for the real title, the UFC's case against Couture would have less venom. That, at least, is my assumption.

Brock Lesnar will make his UFC debut fighting Frank Mir. (MMAWeekly.com photo)

It's been less than a year since Pride collapsed, and despite a massive influx of talent, the UFC's heavyweight division is in sorry shape again. Brandon Vera is out with a broken hand. Andrei Arlovski has been shelved. Gabriel Gonzaga's luck has run out. And I cough up a marble of vomit when I think of Fabricio Werdum fighting the winner of Sylvia vs. Nogueira. Brock Lesnar hasn't even fought yet, and he's already the biggest star in the division. How sad is that? I give it four crying clowns out of five.

Tim Sylvia vs. Antonio Rodrigo "Minotauro" Nogueira

Does anyone else think that Sylvia looks like an absolutely massive Howdy Doody doll? The resemblance is chilling. It just hit me today, and good lord, I can't shake it. I know that I'm going to have a nightmare where Sylvia chases me around the octagon like a giant marionette puppet with strings descending out of darkness to ambulate those man-tentacles he calls limbs.

Putting my night terrors aside, Nogueira's best chance to beat Sylvia is to get him to the ground. Standing back and trading punches is a fool's strategy. Each of Sylvia's arms presents a challenge on its own, like someone has put a toaster on the end of a broomstick and handed it to a gorilla, and now the goddamn thing is just fucking nailing you with it again and again. The secret, as Couture showed, is to tackle the sasquatch to the ground and subdue him while his woolly throated howls of misery rise up into the night sky.

"Minotauro" has played the Dungeons & Dragons role of the giant killer before, collecting experience points for slaying monsters like Bob Sapp, Semmy Schilt and "Zuluzinho." Sylvia will undoubtedly resort to treachery and look to "wall and stall" the wiley Brazilian. God willing, he will fail. My Guess: Nogueira by submission.

Frank Mir vs. Brock Lesnar

Have you seen the tattoo on Lesnar's chest? I'm still not sure if it's a penis that looks like a sword or a sword that looks like a penis. Either way, I wouldn't want to wrestle him – and that's not even considering the fact that at 265 pounds of muscle and brush cut, he’s essentially a shaved bear. Grappling with him must feel like someone is parallel parking an Austin Mini on you.

The odds are against Mir for his UFC 81 fight. (MMAWeekly.com photo)

Reliable sources have told me ridiculous things about Lesnar, like he can run 100 yards in under five seconds, he can crush a baseball in one hand and his moods affect the weather. Once, a lion escaped from the Minneapolis Zoo and Lesnar kicked its ass. Now, there's a sign by the lion pit warning the lions to stay in their habitat for their own safety. That's how real Lesnar is.

I've seen videos of both Lesnar and Mir training for this fight. Lesnar was pulling a 747 up a steep hill and shooting double leg takedowns on a training partner while being struck viciously in the face with a bullwhip. Mir was lying in a bed, eating pudding pops, smoking pot and watching reruns of Matlock while casually triangle choking Asian prostitutes. My Guess: Lesnar by TKO.

Jeremy "Gumby" Horn vs. Nate Marquardt

Horn is just about the most experienced MMA fighter on earth.

Horn brings experience into the cage. (MMAWeekly.com photo)

In fact, since you started reading this paragraph, he has fought twice. I met him at a UFC a long time ago, and he had a suitcase full of guns. I asked him what the guns were for, and he said, "Shooting." Later that weekend, I spent a night in his basement where a strange musky smell and ceaseless squeaking noise kept me up all night, consumed by my fear of rats. I didn't know he has pet ferrets. My Guess: Horn by decision.

Ricardo "Big Dog" Almeida vs. Alan "The Talent" Belcher

Almeida got his nickname because he used to chase tourists off his favorite beach in Rio de Janeiro. That's the kind of thing that the Brazilian Tourism people don't put in brochures. When I was a kid, our neighbors had a big dog, and every time our Frisbee went flying over the fence, one of us had to climb over there and risk our ass to get it back. I hated that damn dog. If Belcher wants to be called "The Talent," he should reach into his mouth between rounds and pull out a giant bouquet of flowers. That would freak me out. My Guess: Almeida by submission.

Gleison Tibau vs. Tyson Griffin

Has the UFC shown any of Tibau's fights? I honestly don't know. Maybe Tibau's online profile is just there because some nerdy computer kid hacked the UFC website and uploaded a picture of a Keebler elf with wicked abdominal development. My Guess: Griffin by decision.

Marvin Eastman vs. Terry Martin

Eastman and Martin both have iron fists and glass jaws.

Oddsmakers like Martin at -220. (MMAWeekly.com photo)

I bet that they KO themselves at least twice every time they brush their teeth. Martin looks like a Cro-Magnon man, but he has an advanced degree in psychology. Than means if he can't knock Eastman out, he can win the fight by asking Eastman messed up Freudian questions about his mother. My Guess: Martin by TKO.

David Heath vs. Tim Boetsch

This past summer, Renato "Babalu" Sobral got kicked out of the UFC because he choked Heath unconscious and then kept choking him – even while the ref was trying to pull him off. I blame Heath for that. Also, just so you know, I'm pretty sure that Heath bars are made with cattle fat and sawdust. My Guess: Boetsch by decision.

Chris Lytle vs. Kyle Bradley

Lytle has won only once in his last six UFC fights. It's the week before the event, and the UFC website still doesn’t have a picture of Bradley. I'm not sure which is less impressive. My Guess: Lytle by KO.

Keita Nakamura vs. Rob Emerson

Emerson's last UFC fight was declared a draw after Gray Maynard slammed Emerson down and KO'd himself by banging his head on the mat. Emerson tapped out because the slam injured his ribs, but if he hadn't, he would've won. I once won a judo tournament like that. My opponent body-slammed me but gave himself a concussion and broke his own wrist in the process. I celebrated wickedly. My Guess: Nakamura by submission.

TOP PHOTO: Tim Sylvia will fight Antonio Rodrigo "Minotauro" Nogueira for the "interim" heavyweight title at UFC 81: Breaking Point. (MMAWeekly.com photo)