Wombat's Fight Forecast For UFC 82: Pride of a Champion

"I think it's a really good fight for me style-wise. Just the way we match up. I'm really good in the clinch and live there with my Greco-Roman background and I'm good with my takedowns and I can hit pretty hard. He's good on his feet as well, though. He's definitely more technical than I am. I'm not arguing that fact, but I've got a little bit more power, and as long as I implement my game plan, and take the positions where I want it to be, then it's going to be my fight." – Dan Henderson on facing Anderson Silva

Feb. 27, 2008

By Jeff "Wombat" Meszaros
Bodog Nation Contributing Writer

The people running the UFC hate Anderson Silva and would gladly wipe their genitals down a cheese grater if, somehow, that would put the belt around Rich Franklin's waist again. Unlike the current champion, Franklin is an American who speaks English and looks enough like Jim Carrey to win the hearts of preteen girls across the Bible Belt, which is great, considering he is also a creationist. Unfortunately, Franklin is also totally incapable of beating Silva, as proven in two crash test fights, both of which left him reeling around the octagon like he'd just crashed a speeding golf cart into a brick wall.

Enter Dan Henderson. Sure, instead of being a high school math teacher like Franklin, he might have the light-headed demeanor of someone who's just spent the night in a freshly painted room, but at least he speaks English and may have the tools to win the belt. Those are the only two criteria that octagon matchmakers care about. Henderson might have two horribly cauliflowered ears and a nose that looks like the dial on a parking meter, but the UFC would rather see his face on a box of Wheaties than Silva's smiling, bald head on a box of Brazilian-strength spider repellent.

Dan Henderson vs. Anderson Silva

What happened to the 170-pound Silva that lost badly to Ryo Chonan and Daiju Takase in Pride? I think that Brazilian scientists cloned him and mixed his DNA with Tyrannosaurus rex genes to make the 185-pound monster we see today. Then, they welded an iron mask onto the face of the smaller Silva, cut out his vocal chords and released him into the rainforests of South America, where he is now seen loping between trees by frightened bushmen on moonless nights and known only as "Mascara Homem da Selva" (Mask Man of the Jungle).

Now, the world of mixed martial arts has been dealt a Cloverfield style, super-powered monster. Franklin, Chris Leben and Nate Marquardt probably still have nightmares about being struck down by a leaping creature that lunges out of the shadows, knees them brutally in the head and then instantly disappears, leaving only the haunting smell of Hawaiian Tropic suntan lotion lingering in the air.

Will Henderson do any better? I suspect so. Travis Lutter managed to take Silva down and mount him like a substitute teacher restraining a delinquent exchange student. True, he was elbowed into oblivion shortly thereafter, but that's because he was dehydrated like a malaria victim from last minute weight cutting. Henderson has never been KO'd, and if Silva can't do it, they should conduct tests to see if it's even physically possible, perhaps by having Henderson stand blindfolded by the side of the road while a hooligan in a passing car drills him in the jaw with a cricket paddle. My Guess: Henderson by TKO.

Cheick Kongo vs. Heath Herring

Lately, there's been a rising prominence of fighters in mixed martial arts who are big, black and scary as hell. Leading the charge is French nightmare Cheick Kongo, who would probably knock Kimbo Slice's beard off. Sure, Gabriel Gonzaga knocked out Mirko "Cro Cop" Filipovic in a dramatic upset, but Kongo kicked him around the octagon for 15 minutes. Afterwards, "Cro Cop" looked like he was trying to crap out his internal organs.

Kongo will fight Herring at heavyweight. (MMAWeekly.com photo)

Herring's debut in the UFC was one of the most awful things I've ever seen, and I once saw a clown vomit directly on the head of a child. I've used that joke before, but what can I do? "Clown vomiting on child" still takes the top spot in my "most awful" category. Of course, watching Herring fight "Irish" Jake O'Brien isn't far behind. Picture two predominantly naked men slathered in olive oil and rolling about in the cargo hold of a ship during a violent storm. That gives you a good idea of what it looked like.

The UFC is marketing Herring vs. Kongo as a heavyweight brawl, but once the bell rings, Herring will be shooting on Kongo like a fireman tackling a guy on fire. My Guess: Herring by decision.

Yushin Okami vs. Evan Tanner 

Tanner was once the UFC middleweight champion, but then he lost his title, changed teams and started living out of his car.

Tanner was once the UFC middleweight champion. (MMAWeekly.com photo)

Also, his boat sank, and pictures of the shipwreck floated about on Internet forums as fans reflected on the terrible loss. Sadly, Tanner will have to deal with another loss here, as Okami will tackle and beat him about the cage like a gorilla assaulting a Shetland pony. Afterwards, the always eclectic Tanner will probably drop off the face of the earth and join a cult where everyone wears track suits and prays about spaceships from other dimensions. My Guess: Okami by decision.

Josh Koscheck vs. Dustin Hazelett 

Just in case you missed Koscheck's last fight, here's a recap: Before the match, which was against Georges St. Pierre, Koscheck said that there was no way that St. Pierre would outwrestle him. Then St. Pierre outwrestled him. Now, as is standard for UFC favorites, matchmakers are giving Koscheck a comeback opponent that he can easily beat. Hopefully, this fight will not make pay-per-view, because life is too short to watch a man with a blond he-fro lie between someone's legs and take punches in the face for 15 minutes. My Guess: Koscheck by decision.

Chris Leben vs. Alessio Sakara

Leben's brain is like a walnut hidden in the middle of a bowling ball.

Chris Leben is impossible to KO. (MMAWeekly.com photo)

That makes him a bad opponent for almost any striker. Only Anderson Silva has been able to knock him out. The rest, including Terry Martin, Jorge Santiago and Jorge Rivera have broken their hands on his helmet head by trying. The same freakshow genetics that make him nearly impossible to KO have also given him insanely powerful hands, despite the fact that his boxing looks like a happy kitten batting at a dangling bit of string. Sakara will unload everything he has and then eventually get KO'd by an arm-punch that looks like a girl throwing a baseball. My Guess: Leben by TKO.

Andrei Arlovski vs. Jake O'Brien

Arlovksi used to be the heavyweight champion.

Arlovski will face undefeated wrestler Jake O'Brien. (MMAWeekly.com photo)

Now, he's on the undercard. What happened? You tell me. Worst of all, the UFC has put him up against undefeated wrestler O'Brien for his final fight. Even if Arlovski wins, you'll likely never see him in the UFC again, which is sad since he's about a million times more exciting to watch than Tim "Sideburns" Sylvia. Back in the day, I would've chosen Arlovski to knock O'Brien’s head off and then run snarling out of the octagon with it under his arm, but ever since he got KO'd by Sylvia, he's been fighting like every punch he throws costs 10 Belarusian rubles. My Guess: O'Brien by decision.

Diego Sanchez vs David Bielkheden 

It’s incredible how fast the UFC demotes their fighters. Not too long ago, Sanchez was the UFC poster boy. Now, after losses to Koscheck and Fitch, he’s been relegated to the undercard. That’s like forgetting your wife’s birthday two years in a row and then being served divorce papers. Hey baby, what’s the deal? My Guess: Bielkheden by decision.

TOP PHOTO: Anderson Silva defends his middleweight belt against Dan Henderson at UFC 82: Pride of a Champion. (MMAWeekly.com)