Wombat's Fight Forecast for UFC 83: Serra vs. St. Pierre 2

Matt Serra will fight Georges St. Pierre for a second time in the main event at UFC 83: Serra vs. St. Pierre 2 on April 19 in Montreal, Canada

April 16, 2008

By Jeff "Wombat" Meszaros
Bodog Nation Contributing Writer

Americans think that Canada is a freezing wilderness where people live in igloos, ride polar bears to work and get in daily spear fights for seal meat. However, I deserve some of the blame for that, since every time I take a trip to the U.S., I spew forth savage lies about 10-year winters, maple syrup snorting contests and epic struggles with mammoth beavers that breach through the frozen ice and attack you with wild, prehistoric fury.

Considering the PR work I've done on Canada's behalf, I'm not sure how many Americans are going to be in Montreal on April 19. After all, you never know when a snow leopard will spring on you. It's a constant reality in the Great White North. Still, Saturday, April 19 will be the biggest UFC ever, as the Montreal Bell Centre will be packed with 22,000 screaming fans howling like primal beasts while filling their fur-coated bellies with Canadian beer so strong, a single bottle of it can power your snowmobile for an entire nine-day Canadian week.

Matt Serra vs. Georges St. Pierre

Serra is like a cross between Joe Pesci and Teddy Ruxpin. You expect him to give you a hug and read you a story, but suddenly, he stabs you in the neck with a pen. That, at least, is what happened to G.S.P. in his first outing with "The Terror." St. Pierre is only 4 inches taller, but next to Serra, he looks like some enormous monster from a Ray Harryhausen movie. That made it all the more amazing when G.S.P. approached Serra with the amused concern of someone trying to pet an angry kitten and ended up getting knocked into an alternate reality where he isn't the UFC champ. I haven't seen a knockout like that since my 4-year-old nephew nailed my uncle on the jaw with a cricket paddle at the last family reunion. Much like my uncle, who still harbors an irrational fear of potato salad, St. Pierre never recovered, and Serra swarmed him like the demonic Chucky doll from Child’s Play. Will it happen again? No. Serra packs Rocky Balboa power in his punches, but St. Pierre won't risk a frontal assault again, and there's almost no chance that G.S.P. will tap Serra out since "The Terror" has the heart of a lion and the body of a chimpanzee. Instead, "Rush" will look to score a takedown and punch Serra in the face until his eyes look like spicy Italian meatballs. Afterwards, the streets of Montreal will fill with fiddle music and poutine, as thousands of fans slap their hockey sticks against the icy ground in a deafening chorus of Canadian applause. My Guess: St. Pierre by TKO.

Travis Lutter vs. Rich Franklin

Franklin has never been tapped out in his career. (AP Images)

As soon as the bell rings, Lutter will charge across the octagon like a zombie from Dawn of the Dead and try desperately to drag Franklin to the ground. It's what he always does. Franklin knows it and the UFC knows that Franklin knows it, which is exactly why they put the fight together. Franklin has never been tapped out in his career. Lutter will not be the first to do it and will take a relentless beating, assuming he is even able to make weight. Afterwards, Franklin will join UFC matchmakers in a prayer that Yushin Okami beats Anderson Silva for the middleweight belt. Otherwise, his victory over Lutter will have been pointless since there is a greater chance that Franklin will be the first man to colonize the moon than there is that we'll see him fight Silva for a third time. My Guess: Franklin by TKO.

Nate "The Rock" Quarry vs. Kalib Starnes

A lot of UFC fans think that Starnes has no heart, and it's kind of a bum rap. First, Ken Shamrock called him some kind of whiny sissy-boy on The Ultimate Fighter. Then, at Starnes' last fight, there was some violent miscommunication where Kalib had a full blown hissy fit because he thought that his cornerman was calling him a quitter when, in fact, it was the doctor who had stopped the fight because Starnes had a cut the size of a partially dilated vagina on his forehead. I'd love to predict a top-to-bottom win for Canada in every fight, but I just don’t see it happening here. Starnes has better jiu-jitsu, but Quarry has better wrestling (better known as anti-jiu-jitsu). Also, whenever he hits someone, his opponent drops like he's been socked in the jaw with a pillowcase full of nickels. My Guess: Quarry by TKO.

Charles "Chainsaw" McCarthy vs. Michael "The Count" Bisping

At 14-1, Bisping's record is anything but average. (MMAWeekly.com photo)

In a prefight interview, McCarthy called Bisping "average." He must have some crazy high standards, since "The Count" is 14-1, with his only loss coming by split decision loss to Rashad Evans. Call me crazy, but that's like having sex with 14 high-class hookers in one night and then calling the experience "average" because the 15th one didn't show up. My Guess: Bisping by KO.

Ed "Short Fuse" Herman vs. Demian Maia

Maia went through his first UFC opponent like poop through a goose. I'm no expert when it comes to the gastrointestinal speeds of web-footed waterfowl, but that's pretty fast. Now, the 2007 submission wrestling champ heads to the home of the great Canada goose to take on "Short Fuse," who got his nickname after trashing a Carl's Jr. because they didn't have curly fries. Herman tends to win or lose by submission. This time, he will lose. My guess: Maia by submission.

Mark Bocek vs. Mac Danzig

Danzig will face Mark Bocek on Saturday. (MMAWeekly.com photo)

Bocek is a black belt in jiu-jitsu and a scary dude. I said hello to him at a tournament a while back and he just stared at me like I'd insulted his sister. It was chilling and weird. Danzig is a vegan and is not to be confused with the lead singer of the death-metal band Danzig, who eats a fresh baby every morning. My Guess: Danzig by TKO.

Jason Day vs. Alan Belcher

If I were Day, anytime anyone asked me, "What day is it?" I would say, "It's Jason Day." Then I would hand them my business card. If I was Belcher, I would do the same thing, except instead, I would just walk up and unleash a fog horn-like, garlic-scented mouth fart from the deepest catacombs of my soul. Then, while they were still in shock, I would hand them my business card. My Guess: Belcher by decision.

Joe "El Dirte" Doerksen vs. Jason "The Athlete" MacDonald

Doerksen is ready for a rematch against MacDonald after losing to him in 2005. (MMAWeekly.com photo)

I was cageside for the fight these two had back in 2005. I think I was the announcer. In that match, Doerksen took MacDonald down instantly, took his back and had a choke sunk, but then let go to try to finish him off with punches. At that exact moment, he slid off MacDonald's back and ate an elbow to the forehead which opened up a cut so big that you could've hidden a camel in it. That all happened in the first 30 seconds. After that, things kind of went downhill for Doerksen, and MacDonald ended up winning. But keep in mind, a gushing head wound can affect your productivity. If you don't believe me, slide a meat cleaver across your forehead and try to finish a crossword puzzle. It's harder than you think. My Guess: Doerksen by decision.

Rich Clementi vs. Sam Stout

I met Clementi in Las Vegas, Nev., and we talked about this fight. I said, "If I were you, I'd try to take him down." And then he said, "Why?"  I said, "I don't know," but I was really thinking something else. My Guess: Stout by decision.

Brad Morris vs. Cain Velasquez

Morris beat Kristof Midoux at Bodog Fight in Vancouver.

Morris is from Australia and trains for fights by wrestling great white sharks. He fought for Bodog Fight in Vancouver, Canada, and beat Kristof Midoux by tackling him to the mat and then crushing his sternum with a double-fisted axe-handle smash, which I assume he learned from Captain James T. Kirk. Velasquez has a strained relationship with his brother, Abel. My Guess: Morris by decision.

Kuniyoshi Hironaka vs. Jonathan "The Road Warrior" Goulet

If you are planning on driving to UFC 83, be very careful. If Goulet comes driving up alongside you in a ramshackle go-cart, wearing a hockey mask and wielding a spear, just do what he says and give him the gasoline. There's a reason he calls himself "The Road Warrior." My Guess: Hironaka by submission.

TOP PHOTO: Matt Serra and Georges St. Pierre will face off for a second time at UFC 83 on April 19.